Inter-Village Orgy Warm-Ups

Both teams came out on the pitch, ten minutes before the referee was blown for kick-off, for the all-important warm-up exercises. It was during this period that we were able to size up the opposition, Titten Growper especially their new central rear forward: Anne Ticipation, who impressed our touchline staff with the way shy could wrap her ankle around the back of her neck whilst standing next to Old Feebletrousers as he made the necessary adjustments to his tackle to make himself ready to run – or, in his case, stagger – the touchline.

However, once our star player, Strom Thighhammer took the to the pitch, to the cheers of the Little Frigging Ladies Supports club, many of them dropping a stitch or two in their knitting as they caught sight of him standing erect in the centre circle, the Titten Growper newcomer was seemingly overcome by a desire to get to grips with him in the scrum as soon as possible.

She did not have long to wait, for as soon as the referee tossed the sex aids into the centre circle the Titten Growper central rear forward made a grab for Strom as he prepared to receive in the opposition penalty box with the Titten Growper chicken already on the verge of becoming bewildered.

The Titten Growper rear fondlers, though, were already bearing down on Strom when Anne Ticipation thrust herself forward and managed to get a firm grip on Strom's tackle as he was about to take one of the defenders over the line for the first orgasm of the first quarter of the second half of the initial period.

The referee was blown for a foul and the new Titten Growper player was red carded, forcing her to leave the field shame-faced for an early bath, quickly followed by Old Feebletrousers as he struggled to pull his loofer from his shorts.

Nips in the Air

As the winter weather continues its icy grip on the neither regions of the villagers of Little Frigging in the Wold, many of the ladies of the village feel in need of a pointer. However, due to the aforesaid cold snap, they have been rather disappointed to discover that the gentlemen of the village do not quite stand so proud during the icy periods. Consequently, despite the expert ministrations of the village ladies, they find that the menfolk do not always rise to the occasion with the necessary alacrity, even if the woman is wearing her finest woollen erotic-arousal mittens and bobble hat – usually a sight that has the most recalcitrant of men taking a firm stand, if not taking himself in hand.

However, due to the cost of heating, the caretaker of the Little Frigging village hall has had to reduce the temperature of the heating, even on all-village orgy nights. Consequently, we on the village hall steering committee humbly suggest that all orgy-goers who feel a nip in the air should seriously consider investing – as it were – in Splodge and Sons extensive collection of fetish thermal underwear for such nights and – we are pleased to announce – that we have negotiated a substantial bulk discount with the aforesaid purveyors of fine and bespoke erotic gear for all fully-upstanding members of the village hall weekend orgy club.

So, please avail yourselves of this opportunity as soon as possible.

Thank you.

Ancient Rites

In England’s rural areas, you can still trace elements of the ancient religions that existed long before the invention of the more recent variations on god-irritating, and some may even date back to beyond the invention of black and white television. The stories of these ancient religions featuring such archetypal characters as the wizard and his staff, the magician waving his wand, the witch and her familiar pussy, as well as gatherings around the weird woman’s steaming hot cauldron are all aspects of those ancient religions and rites, twisted through constant retellings and reinterpretations.

For example, the wizard would often get out his staff in order to help young virgins overcome their affliction and he would use his staff to assist them in the rites of passage that would turn them into women. Similarly, the wise women of the village would gather all the young men around them to stroke their familiar pussies and to learn the dark secrets of the women’s steaming cauldrons.

Not until the young men and women of the village had gone through these rites could they regard themselves as full adults, able to join with the rest of the village in those rites that still enable the denizens of England’s villages to all come together in their local village halls right up to this very day (Weather permitting).

Coming in Aid

Many of the ladies of Little Frigging have been very keen - of late – to join a course, run by our very own volunteer fireman Strom Thighhammer, in the village hall. The course, of course, is a First Aid course, enabling the women to come to the assistance of any gentleman – or lady, for that matter – who has been overcome by events, especially in the weekly village orgy, or suffered a similar fate on the Inter-Village Orgy pitch. The ladies are all very keen to take part, I’m told, because Strom very bravely puts himself out for the ladies to practice on, as he gives them expert tuition in how to perform the kiss of life on any flagging gentleman the ladies happen to come across.

Such has been the success of the course, that it has been many months since any gentleman has had to retire from the weekly village orgy due to becoming overcome. However, there have been some reports than the gentlemen players in the Little Frigging Inter-Village orgy team have taken to requesting a precautionary kiss of life from the lady spectators at the pitch side when ever they feel they are flagging and doubt if they will be able to keep it up for the rest of the match. Although there is no rule expressly forbidding a spectator from helping to revive an injured player, some feel that this course of action does tend to go against the spirit of the game and have requested that the League Association come up with a ruling, which I’m sure those of us on the relevant committee will rule upon when all interested parties have submitted their plain brown envelopes… evidence.

Reputable and Disreputable Cake Shops – A Guide

Any reputable (and a good many disreputable) village cake shop manageress will of course do her utmost to make sure that any gentleman customer’s cream horn is as still, firm and cream-filled as possible. She will also make sure that any lady customers reach full satiation through whatever means at her disposal, up to and including making sure their turnovers are full of fresh cream before they leave the premises.

For those who enjoy a sandwich, the village cake shop will normally employ a number of assistants who will make sure that any customer can enjoying a sumptuous filling of their choice right there on the café table-top as well as making sure their baps are hot and fresh. For any ladies in dire need of a French stick or a baguette, there are undoubtedly men in any village always eager to trust themselves forward for the delectation of the ladies especially those in need of plenty of meat in their lunch break, when it is well-known - most women need and desire a good solid meaty filling if they are going to be able to give full satisfaction at work later that day. For, if she has spent a long lingering lunch hour filling herself with plenty of hot pork, especially a hot sausage roll, such full satiation enables a lady to truly fulfil her potential in the workplace environment during the long afternoon hours to come.

Sex Spatula Precautions

Of course, it is always advisable to make sure the reversing lights on your bespoke sex spatulas are not illuminated when approaching – say – an assistant librarian from the rear during the most intense quarter of a village hall weekly orgy, unless you sustain any damage to your sex spatulas. Sex spatulas, by their very nature, can be very delicate instruments and can be knocked out of true by any untoward activity that places unusual stresses upon them, such as the use of an unripe watermelon, or too rapid approach towards the poised politician for a Pineapple Inquiry.

There is also the danger that too rough a handling of your sex spatulas could accidentally knock the switch that converts them to metric from Imperial and as anyone who has been on the receiving end of a pair of metric sex spatulas when they were poised to receive the Imperial ones knows what a shock to the system it can be. Old Feebletrousers himself claims that it was such an experience that led to his fear of getting too close to the Strap-on Sisters, due to the time when he was approached by a scullery maid during the inter-war years wielding what he thought were a pair of old-fashioned six-inch sex spatulas which later turned out to be a pair of metric 12 cm spatulas captured from the German trenches during WWI. An experience I’m sure many of you would not like to see repeated during any modern day run-of-the-mill village hall orgy.

Ungentlemanly Conduct in the Penalty Grope

Even if I hadn’t quite got the hang of it in the manner which she’d – so obviously – hoped, I feel there was little call for what she did next, calling for the umpire to have me sent off the field for ungentlemanly conduct in the penalty grope. However, I still had the leek, so in the post match replays it was her conduct that came under the closet scrutiny, especially the skin-tight fetish gear she was wearing made it clear that any surreptitious moves she alleged I’d made with the leek were quite plainly false.

After all, it was she who claimed to have bewildered the chicken, leading to that very unfair advantage Little Piddling had as the referee was blown for the end of the 7^th quarter of the third half.

Still, it only goes to show just what can be achieved by a full half-flanker out on the wings of the orgy pitch, especially if they have the sun behind them, as both teams prepare for a full-on touch-up and prepare the basting spatulas for a complete oiling of their side’s scrum half-centre backs.

Although, I think the front of the half-centres should also be oiled as it makes the scrum a much more tactical part of the game as both sides struggle to maintain a hold on each other’s tactical positioning, while each team tries to score at least one multiple orgasm before the chicken is far too bewildered to continue and the referee and both umpires agree to stop the game because of poor light interfering with their ability to read the bribery offers from each team's support staff.