Friday, August 29, 2014

Not to be Trifled With


Certain women are not to be trifled with… although they may prefer the intimate application of an apple strudel. This, of course, will very much depend upon the consistency and warmness of the gentleman’s custard. So, always be careful when offering a lady of your acquaintance – or, in certain circumstances a gentleman with an interest in musicals and soft furnishings – a dollop of your finest on whatever they proffer towards you.

These days, the midweek orgy in the local village hall is a much less formal occasion than in days of yore. Therefore, what would have been beyond the pale only a few decades ago is nowadays regarded as little more than a faux pas, if not – upon occasion – de rigour. Here, I am not just speaking of the current contemporary fashion for wearing hand-knitted cardigans and slippers at midweek village orgies.

This latest craze, I’m led to believe began – innocently enough – as a comfy evening-in fetish night, which has since got well out of hand with talk in some of the more remote villages of blatant Val Doonican-themed orgy nights. This, as you can well imagine, has resulted in some very perturbed goats in those regions.

Although, naturalist have denied that this has anything to do with the sudden disappearance of butterflies in some rural areas.

Wednesday, July 23, 2014

Golf and the Perverted Arts


With all its talk of getting a hole-in-one, sinking a birdie and other similar phrases, the neophyte perverteer could assume that golf and the perverted arts and sciences have a lot in common. Furthermore, a mere glance at a fully-costumed golfer does give the impression that a golfist is no stranger to fetish gear. Not only that, some of the more delicate strokes with the putter can bring to mind some of the less dexterous uses of the sex spatula.

However, despite running almost the whole gamut* of erotic possibilities there is a deal of difference between golf and the erotic arts and sciences. Which is something that people ought to bear in mind whenever they discover themselves about to be taken into the rough, or come from behind with a few strokes. As for getting caught in the bunker, then you will often find they only have themselves to blame.

However, as a sport golf had much to recommend it. Our own blacksmith and voluntary fireman, Strom Thighhammer himself, attests to the feeling of well-being, satisfaction and satiation a quick round of 18 holes can give a man as he prepares to go about his day. I for one think you can’t say fairer than that.


*Those interested in the whole guillemot should however, do some research into seabird-based perversions.


Wednesday, June 25, 2014

The Joys of Outdoor Eroticism


For those that enjoying a bracing and reinvigorating erotic experience there is nothing like getting (it) out and about in the wonderful British countryside. For during the British summertime there is nothing quite so arousing as feeling the refreshing dampness so typical of the British summer. As the steady drizzle worms its way inside your bondage gear you soon begin to feel yourself once more. Nor is there anything to beat the bracing breeze from a force 10 gale testing the integrity of your bondage ropes when you stand lashed to an oak tree as the winds attempt to pull you off.

However, if you are considering any of the hillside – or for more advanced perverteers – mountain perversions, I would strongly advise that you make sure you are suitability equipped for the purpose. Those with an interest in bondage will, of course, already have a wide selection of ropes, clips, restraints and other such equipment, which makes an afternoon bound to a craggy protrusion so invigorating for the devotee.

However, we would strongly suggest that any putative hillwalker invest in some hi-visibility fetish gear. For example, there is nothing as frustrating as losing your partner in a sudden mist, especially when she has the sausages, leaving you with an empty frying pan.

Furthermore, always practise extreme caution when approaching sheep or goats grazing on the mountainside. It is always possible that their shepherd is nearby and jealousy can be a dangerous thing. Especially if he happens to be cradling his 12-bore when he sees you striding towards his favourite ewe dressed in your high-visibility fetish gear. So, to avoid any misunderstandings always give the flocks a wide berth when out on the hillside. Follow the Country Code and ask the shepherd’s permission first of you think a particularly comely young ewe is giving you the eye.



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Wednesday, May 28, 2014

Advice to a Young Gentleman


Strange as it may seem to some young gentlemen, slapping your manhood down into her breakfast porridge is not the ideal way to endear yourself to that special lady in your life… or the wife, for that matter.

Oddly enough, despite her claim that ‘you never give me any gifts’, she will also look on somewhat askance if you offer her a half-pound bag of Brussels sprouts filched from a nearby allotment. As for you offer of a pearl necklace, you must have realised that was a mistake long before your bruises faded. Despite women claiming to like flowers, not many will allow you any free-range access to the contents of their underwear in return for a handful of dandelions, or even a few withered daisies from next-door’s lawn.

Offering to buy a lady a drink is always a good move. However, some caution is advised whenever attempting such a course of action with any member of the Little Frigging Ladies Knitting and Wine Appreciation Circle. Most bank managers will refuse a loan for the amount necessary to quench the thirst of one of these ladies. By the time she pronounces herself ‘in the mood’ you will have – unless you have a more robust constitution than average – spent several hours under the table and have lost the use of your legs.

All in all, then, pleasing the ladies is not as easy as a young man would wish. Even those of us who have spent some time learning the ways of this strange creature still sometimes don’t always get it right, and can show you the scars and bruises to prove it.


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Wednesday, April 23, 2014

Voluntary Servicing


As is well-known by now, the gentlemen of Little Frigging enjoy nothing more than spending an evening or so ensconced in the snug of The Pervert’s Appendage, engaged in a philosophical mass debate.

Which is all to the good as long as they can – eventually – find their way  home without too many immersions in the village duck pond on the way.

However, some of the ladies of the Little Frigging Knitting Circle and Wine Appreciation Society often feel in need of a pointer themselves. So the ladies do not feel this emptiness inside for too long, our own volunteer fireman Strom Thighhammer has been putting himself forward for them. This is so the ladies can partake of his pointer whenever they feel they need a damn good symposium.

However, there are many demands on Strom’s time. Not only is he the village blacksmith, he is also a volunteer fireman, life model for the Little Frigging Village ladies Art class and Wine Appreciation Society and mainstay of the bi-weekly orgies in the village hall. Consequently, Strom feels (when he has any feeling left) that he would like some other gentlemen to put themselves forward into the hands of the ladies whenever the need arises.

Once they realise the ladies of the village are in dire need of a good servicing, no doubt the gentlemen of the village will put themselves up to the challenge. They will undoubtedly put themselves at the beck and call of the ladies in their usual upright manner. However, until then Strom himself has vowed to keep himself at the forefront of the ladies’ attention until they have dispensed with him. 

We can only hope that closing time comes around before the village ladies wear Strom down to a limp shadow of his former proudly-upstanding self.



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Wednesday, March 26, 2014

Health and Safety with Strom Thighhammer

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Of course, in the modern age Health and Safety is always a concern. Especially in situations such as an all-village orgy in the Village Hall where there is always the possibility of a mishap. Such as a gentleman bruising of the plums, or a lady having her melons mishandled.

This is why the ladies of Little Frigging always take much pleasure in the frequent Health and Safety lectures given by our very own volunteer fireman (and village blacksmith) Strom Thighhammer. The ladies are – of course – always keen to see - providing the skylight is open – his fireman’s lift when he stands proud in front of the gathered ladies.

This week, Strom gave some much-needed advice on the vexed problem of the health and safety concerns connected with the use of a stepladder in people’s erotic activities.

The ladies were –as usual – eager to get Strom’s tip into their hands. They then wanted to see for themselves how best they could insert it into their-own particular stepladder-assisted perversions. Including the very popular Assistant Librarian Full Indexing from the Rear, which as you no-doubt are aware can sometimes case the stepladder to overbalance. This especially when the assistant librarian finds herself overcome on the higher steps and cannot steady herself against any nearby shelving without risking an avalanche of hardcovers.

Afterwards, the ladies were all keen to endorse the usefulness of Strom’s health and safety lectures. A great many of the ladies expressing their gratitude for Strom’s full in-depth probing of their concerns. Many praised the lengths Strom went to in order to see every single (and married) lady in his audience fully satiated.

 

[Books by David Hadley are available here (UK) or here (US)]

Thursday, February 27, 2014

The Advanced Perversion Research Facility

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There have been many interesting developments of late in both Theoretical and Applied Perversion Studies at the University of Little Frigging (formerly the Cowshed at Trouser-Quandary smallholding).

Of course, many people are familiar with current theoretical studies in the erotic arts and sciences. Particularly the research underway at Little Frigging's own Advanced Perversions Laboratory Facility. This research utilises the large Hard-On Collider in the search for the - so far theoretical – Rude and Naughty particles. Both of which are necessary to make sense of Stan Einstein's General Theory of Perversion. The use of the watermelon as specified in his Special Theory of Perversion is well-understood at both a theoretical and applied level, However, there are concerns over its practical application, especially when applied to a sub post-mistress on early-closing day.

There has been much work at the Little Frigging University Advanced Perversions Laboratory of late. Mainly into the use of the pogo-stick at village orgies, with some very interesting experimental results produced, especially when wearing knee-pads and gripping a peacock feather between the tightly-clenched buttocks of a quantity surveyor.

However, researchers have postponed research into the theoretical application of fresh cream cakes to the underside edge of a laboratory assistant. At least until the Perversion Research Council allocate the necessary research funds. Also, the professor must persuade a laboratory assistant to get out of the low-temperature custard research facility long enough to take a trip down to the cake shop to purchase the experimental materials.

Exciting times, I'm, sure you'll all (both) agree in both allied and theoretical perversions. This makes now an ideal time for anyone thinking of an in-depth study of perversion to apply to register at the University of Little Frigging.

 

[Books by David Hadley are available here (UK) or here (US)]