Wednesday, March 26, 2014

Health and Safety with Strom Thighhammer

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Of course, in the modern age Health and Safety is always a concern. Especially in situations such as an all-village orgy in the Village Hall where there is always the possibility of a mishap. Such as a gentleman bruising of the plums, or a lady having her melons mishandled.

This is why the ladies of Little Frigging always take much pleasure in the frequent Health and Safety lectures given by our very own volunteer fireman (and village blacksmith) Strom Thighhammer. The ladies are – of course – always keen to see - providing the skylight is open – his fireman’s lift when he stands proud in front of the gathered ladies.

This week, Strom gave some much-needed advice on the vexed problem of the health and safety concerns connected with the use of a stepladder in people’s erotic activities.

The ladies were –as usual – eager to get Strom’s tip into their hands. They then wanted to see for themselves how best they could insert it into their-own particular stepladder-assisted perversions. Including the very popular Assistant Librarian Full Indexing from the Rear, which as you no-doubt are aware can sometimes case the stepladder to overbalance. This especially when the assistant librarian finds herself overcome on the higher steps and cannot steady herself against any nearby shelving without risking an avalanche of hardcovers.

Afterwards, the ladies were all keen to endorse the usefulness of Strom’s health and safety lectures. A great many of the ladies expressing their gratitude for Strom’s full in-depth probing of their concerns. Many praised the lengths Strom went to in order to see every single (and married) lady in his audience fully satiated.

 

[Books by David Hadley are available here (UK) or here (US)]

Thursday, February 27, 2014

The Advanced Perversion Research Facility

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There have been many interesting developments of late in both Theoretical and Applied Perversion Studies at the University of Little Frigging (formerly the Cowshed at Trouser-Quandary smallholding).

Of course, many people are familiar with current theoretical studies in the erotic arts and sciences. Particularly the research underway at Little Frigging's own Advanced Perversions Laboratory Facility. This research utilises the large Hard-On Collider in the search for the - so far theoretical – Rude and Naughty particles. Both of which are necessary to make sense of Stan Einstein's General Theory of Perversion. The use of the watermelon as specified in his Special Theory of Perversion is well-understood at both a theoretical and applied level, However, there are concerns over its practical application, especially when applied to a sub post-mistress on early-closing day.

There has been much work at the Little Frigging University Advanced Perversions Laboratory of late. Mainly into the use of the pogo-stick at village orgies, with some very interesting experimental results produced, especially when wearing knee-pads and gripping a peacock feather between the tightly-clenched buttocks of a quantity surveyor.

However, researchers have postponed research into the theoretical application of fresh cream cakes to the underside edge of a laboratory assistant. At least until the Perversion Research Council allocate the necessary research funds. Also, the professor must persuade a laboratory assistant to get out of the low-temperature custard research facility long enough to take a trip down to the cake shop to purchase the experimental materials.

Exciting times, I'm, sure you'll all (both) agree in both allied and theoretical perversions. This makes now an ideal time for anyone thinking of an in-depth study of perversion to apply to register at the University of Little Frigging.

 

[Books by David Hadley are available here (UK) or here (US)]

Wednesday, January 29, 2014

The Beast of Little Frigging

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As with many rural villages and hamlets where the pubs stay open for as long as the patrons remain vertical, the area around Little Frigging has been the home of many sightings of strange creatures and mythical beasts. This does not include the many horror stories about Old Feebletrousers emerging from the swamp and/or the duck pond after a particularly well-refreshed evening of philosophical debate in the snug of The Pervert’s Appendage. Nor, of course, does it count the frequent sightings of creatures emerging from the local lawyer swamps in search of fresh litigation.

Beyond the above, there have also been various sightings of strange creatures up on the Little Frigging moors. There is talk of strange dark-pelted creatures that lurk in the shadows ready to pounce on unsuspecting travellers and tourists. However, these days, Grand-Uncle Stagnant finds that waiting out in the typical heavy drizzle on the moors plays havoc with his many ailments. Consequently, he prefers to stay indoors as much as possible. If he is not in the snug of the village pub, then Grand-Uncle Stagnant is usually in the hayloft with a brace of dairymaids. The dairymaids both often eager to learn all the secrets of the erotic arts he has witnessed, sampled and – often – made up on his travels around the world. As well as his frequent visits to the seedier parts of Huddersfield.

However, when the ladies of the Little Frigging Knitting and Wine Appreciation Society gather on a cold dark night, it is not the monsters that lie in wait out on the moors they talk of. It is tales of the monsters that lurk in the well-filled gentleman’s region of Strom Thighhammer’s undergatherings they discuss. The ladies all know only too well what monster lurks there and just what it takes to make it rise up from its sleep to take them in the night.

 

[Books by David Hadley are available here (UK) or here (US).]

Wednesday, January 8, 2014

Perverted Arts or Sciences? - A Ponderthon

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Many perverteers, when in-between dalliances, are apt to ponder the great philosophical quandaries of perversion. And why not, providing you are not impeding, say, an assistant librarian from achieving closure?

One of the great imponderables of both practical and theoretical perversion is the question about whether perversion itself is an art or a science.

There are those who would point to the aesthetic considerations necessary when, say, disporting a brace of dairymaids next to an apricot crumble and say that proves that perversion is an art. However, there are those who would say the correct way to approach, for example, an assistant librarian whilst wearing shin-pads and holding the watermelon the putative perverteer must consider several variables. Such as the angle of attack, the wind direction and how long it is until either:

a./ closing time,

or,

b./ when the footie is on the telly.

Which is as much of a science as it is an art.

However, there is fascinating work underway in theoretical and applied perversion in the laboratories at the University of Little Frigging (formerly the cowshed at Trouser-Quandary smallholding). Here, our research into both the Rude and the Naughty particles essential for any perverse reaction to take place is undoubtedly a science. Obviously, it is one that places a lot of stress on the elbows, as well as using a large quantity of fresh strawberries, which many will also regard as an art.

It is my contention, therefore that the perverse arts and sciences are both arts and sciences. Yet they are also not arts and sciences. This because there is something in the perverse act, even if it only involves a clerical gentleman, a campanologist and a bunch of spring onions, that goes beyond the limits of both arts and sciences. Venturing into some other realm we are only now beginning to grasp the wot of.

I'm sure that, in the near future, we will return to discuss more of this fascinating subject as and when I can be arsed.

Sunday, November 3, 2013

Accident and Emergency

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There is always the chance that during a weekday – or, especially - a weekend orgy in the village hall, that someone may suffer an injury. This is particularly the case when the pogo sticks are in use, or the nipple clamps get a little rusty around the hinges. That is why our village doctor, Minnie Strayshuns, and her practice nurse, Pam Purring, are always available to anyone throughout the entire orgy. They are there on the scene for minor ailments such as a stubbed toe, which they can treat on the spot. But they are also able to assist with more serious complaints such as the dreaded itchy knee.

Minnie Strayshuns and Pam Purring are always more than ready to lay their hands on any gentleman's predicament and to offer a helping hand or oral relief to any lady in need of aid to bring herself to fulfilment.

Of course, for more serious injuries there is always the local ambulance service. They are able to take an injured orgy-goer to the A&E department at Titten-Growper General Hospital. For example, Old Feebletrousers, last weekend, did not look both ways before attempting to pole-vault over some villagers engaged in a game of Naked Twister at one end of the village hall. He incautiously placed the end of his pole in a pool of excess baby oil, thus causing him to crash into the half-time buffet table and seriously compromised his baguette.

However, the ambulance crew stopped off at The Pervert's Appendage, on the way to the hospital on Old Feebletrouser's insistence that he needed a little pick-me-up. They emerged seven hours later from the snug of The Pervert's Appendage into the car park. However, neither of the ambulance crew could remember the way to the hospital. Nor could they remember which of the three ambulances they could see in the pub car park was the one they'd arrived in. SO they decided to return to the snug and await rescue. Eventually, when the pub ran out of beer they were able to return to what now resembled the single ambulance they’d arrived in. Thus they were then able to take Old Feebletrousers to the A&E department where he was pronounced a miracle of evolution and taken to the Upper Thyghspreader Wildlife Park, where he is now a major visitor attraction there.

This just goes to show the importance of always having medical staff in the vicinity when about to engage in anything more strenuous than making a cup of tea.

Friday, September 27, 2013

The All-New Perversion Proximity Detector App

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There is good news for anyone who no longer wishes to suffer the inconvenience of searching for a nearby orgy. Now there is no more suffering undue frustration whilst wandering around with their tool clutched in their hand (or for more advanced orgyists – with their tool in someone else’s hand). Splodge & Sons (Purveyors of Marital and Sexual aids to the gentry since 1789) have announced that from next month their famous Perversion proximity detector – once a hand-held tool - will be released as a mobile phone app.

The original tool was a must-have for any putative orgy-goer who found themselves in an unfamiliar location without a nearby orgy available to them. Or even for them to discover the whereabouts of the nearest local orgy without garnering any undue attention.

Some of us of more advanced years will – no doubt – recall the original hand-held Perversion proximity detectors. Remembering just how unwieldy they were with their seven aerials, the flexible moistness-sniffer and the rather loud naughtiness meter. Not forgetting, of course, the lewdness warning-lights that often lit up an entire village High Street when detecting someone wearing a snorkel while preparing a watermelon for an intimate encounter.

The wonders of technological innovation and miniaturization have moved on apace in this field. Splodge & Sons produce other similar devices in nearby fields (sometimes literally as with the SheepMate bovine compatibility detector). First Splodge & Sons produced a range of devices that could easily fit first the rucksack, and latterly the pocket or handbag – depending on mode of dress and/or undress.

Now, though, they’ve reduced the whole device to a mere app on one’s mobile phone. The app can detect a village hall orgy night from up to three valleys away. It also introduces you to any interested sheep in the fields between your position and the village hall, if you so desire.

Not only that, in the poor benighted regions of this once-great land which do not have a village hall, the app will give you a pointer towards the nearest local orgy. Up to and including any dalliance taking place on municipal premises, or behind a large hedge.

All in all then this is – I feel – one of the apps, along with the new Android version of SheepMate, which will be very useful to the orgyist. Especially one, who – for whatever reason – finds themselves in a strange place and in need of the familiar comforts of a local orgy. This app enables them to proceed without having to waste most of the evening in fruitless enquiries that leave them bereft of the friendly companionship they desire.

Thursday, September 19, 2013

The Pride of Little Frigging

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There was a time – of course – when Grand-Uncle Stagnant was the pride of Little Frigging. It was a time long ago now. It was a time lost in the mists of Grand-Uncle Stagnant’s memory. Unfortunately, it is a memory, which over the years has become something of a hit-and-miss affair. Especially when trying to recall the affairs of his youth.

These days he sometimes even has trouble remembering the names of whichever brace of dairymaids have volunteered to get him up in the mornings. Although, as Grand-Uncle Stagnant often points out, he – even at his rather advanced age – still has no trouble getting up in the morning. It is a feat which – no doubt – accounts for the alacrity with which the dairymaids volunteer to assist him in the mornings. All of them know that he will give them something well-worth remembering. Especially over the next few days as they stumble out to bring in the cows for their early morning milking.

In days gone by, many a man would be more than grateful for the deft fingerings of the dairymaids as they helped him arise first thing in the mornings. A dairymaid experienced in hand-milking a herd of cows can soon, with a few deft manoeuvrings of her digits, get a man to rise to the peak of his ability. No matter how well-refreshed he was the previous evening.

It is this early morning manipulation of his aged extremities by the dairymaids that Grand-Uncle Stagnant insists is responsible for his sprightliness, even at his advanced age. Unfortunately, no-one knows Grand-Uncle Stagnant’s exact age. It is a number that has defeated the mathematical abilities of some of the greatest computational devices in the modern world to calculate, at least using normal mathematical procedures.

Those of us too who have felt the welcoming hands of the dairymaids upon us in our hour of need would – I’m sure – be more than willing to attest to their remarkable reinvigorating powers. We all hope they continue to pass down the secrets of their calling to future generations of dairymaids. Even though in these days of mechanical milking machines, their abilities are no longer needed for their original purposes – or – in more specialised costal milking sheds – their original porpoises.