Off-Road Perversions – A Pointer

It is not often appreciated, especially by the wives of hard working rural gentlemen, just how difficult it can be to become a fully upstanding member of one’s local off-road orgy club. This can be especially the case on some of the more challenging corners where it is often extremely difficult to keep abreast (or even a-thigh) of one’s cake shop manageress, especially if she has been well-lubricated in the snug of The Pervert’s Appendage beforehand.

Of course, successful off-road orgies do demand something a tad more roomy than even the average 4x4, especially if they are to be officially classed as orgies and not just a three or foursome, so, ideally, some sort of trailer is necessary to accommodate all those about to engage in the aforesaid orgiastic practices. The orgies, in order to qualify as bone fide off-road orgies must also be undertaken whilst the vehicle is in motion, which – if only for safety’s sake – must therefore necessitate a driver. Also – in more advanced cases – an off-road perversion may also need a navigator. This is especially true if the orgy is to include some of the more advanced perversions that may require someone to assist in the untangling of the assistant librarians once the perversion has been undertaken successfully and your gear stick is back in neutral with the handbrake applied.

On The Use Of the Sex Implements & Utensils

Placing the cheeseburgers next to the postmistress has never been easier. Since Splodge & Sons (Purveyors of Marital and Sexual aids to the gentry since 1789) first announced they were working on a prototype set of sex tongs, we in the perverted community have all been more than a little eager to get our fetish mittens on them.

For too long now, one has had to often use home-made devices and implements for the placing of items, foodstuffs and even various parts of the body (one’s own, or those of other participants) in the correct positionings for orgiastic purposes.

This has, as you are no doubt well aware, meant that certain items are not at their most pristine when utilised heavily in an orgy situation. It is well known amongst the orgiastically-inclined, for instance, that a cream horn cannot stand too rough a treatment if it is going to retain its cream right up to the climax of the proceedings. Not only that, many ladies have had to decry the state of their baps after possibly too rough a handling during the Ladies Excuse Me or if they have been on the receiving end of an overzealous outpouring during The Gentlemen’s Relish.

Historically, of course, this sort of situation has often been cited as the main reason why the sex spatula was first introduced to the orgy by the Romans, who were notorious for their desire to always behave in the most civilised way possible at such times and is – of course – yet another thing for which we have to thank the Romans.

Britain’s Got Perversions

There is great excitement in Little Frigging this week as the auditions for the Upper Thyghspredder rounds of the TV talent show Britain’s Got Perversions are about to take place in the Much Piddling village hall over the next few evenings. For those of you not familiar with the show, it is a chance for some of Britain’s amateur perverts to exhibit their deviances in front of a massive TV audience. Where, if they get the votes from both the panel of expert perverts and from the viewing public go through to the next rounds, and ultimately the final in later episodes of the series.

As a proudly upstanding pervert and as professor of Theoretical and Applied Orgiastics at the University of Little Frigging I have, quite naturally, been made head judge for the programme. The second judge is, it almost goes without saying, our very own Little Frigging postmistress, Labia Entanglements, whose name is almost synonymous with the practical application of the perverted arts and sciences wherever they are undertaken. The third judge is Poppy Widdershins, the infamous celebrity sexual deviant, whose exploits with various rugby teams, both amateur and professional, have been the stuff of several tabloid exposes, a series of very lucrative and explicit DVDs and a very successful brand of cheese-flavoured potato snacks.

Phil Anthropy

Little Frigging’s general handyman Phil Anthropy is often available to thrust himself into the hands of any of the Little Frigging ladies who may feel an urgent need to get a man in. Phil Anthropy sees it as his duty to bring relief to the Ladies of Little Frigging whenever they feel the need for him. Phil sees it as his role in the village to put himself out whenever a village lady finds she is at a loose end and needs someone to plug a gap, or she has want of a man to fulfil her needs in some trying circumstances.

Maureen, my good lady wife, often feels the need to get a man in, especially if I am out and about engaged in the many vitally essential tasks that keep me away from hearth and home until well after closing time at The Pervert’s Appendage. In such cases, Phil, will be there with both alacrity and diligence, sometimes with his tool already out and held firmly in his hand ready for whatever task Maureen demands of him.

Many is the time when I have staggered in from an evening’s philosophical debate to find Phil buried deep in Maureen’s quandary, often with Maureen’s entreaties urging Phil on to greater exertions to bring her a satisfying climax with his efforts.

Phil can be seen out and about in Little Frigging most days of the week, doing his utmost to bring a smile to the faces of the ladies of Little frigging, popping in, his tool at the ready, to bring each one the satisfaction of a good seeing-to in the way only Phil Anthropy can.

The Almighty Gods Of The Allen Key

[The Friday Special -

A Guest Post By Grand Old Uncle Stagnant]

If we put the spanners out in the car park, then we can use the ukulele on the traffic warden without any of the usual chafing around the edge of the fishpond. That is, of course if you have remembered to oil the weasel racquets, my little quantity surveyor.

Anyway, if you have already assembled the wardrobe by this time, without recourse to cursing the almighty gods of the Allen key, then we will move on to take a look at what we can do with the petunias once the cake shop manageress has weeded the herbaceous borders wearing only the thigh-length black leather boots and a Tyrolean hat.

We then place the wardrobe slightly to the left of the petunias so that the door opens out into the herbaceous border in such a manner as to leave most of the waterfowl unperturbed by any excessive gestures made by the traffic warden as the cake shop manageress bears down on him.

Then, of course, once she has managed to screw the courage of the traffic warden to the sticking place, using the remaining sellotape if necessary. we can then move on to see if we can interest the waterfowl in ordering something from the mail order catalogues before we make our way back over the car park towards where we left the shopping trolley.

Little Frigging Weekly Farm Perversions Market

While you are fully poised in your wallaby-grouting apron, waders and thong, you should always make sure that the cake shop manageress has her serving tongs at the ready to deal with your cream horn. Especially if the gentlemen present have their hands full, encumbered with the melons already put out on display by the lady behind the fruit stall.

Further on down towards the middle of the Little Frigging Weekly farm Perversions market, we find that Splodge & Sons (Purveyors of Marital and Sexual aids to the gentry since 1789) have a stall with many of their devices, fetish gear and other accoutrements and tranklements of the perverted arts on display for the delectation of the connoisseur.

Usually, during these markets there is a display by Little Frigging’s very own synchronised orgiastics squad. Here they often demonstrate some of the more intriguing of their routines for the delectation of the rather large crowds who always seem to gather for such an event. Some of the men in the crowd end up thrusting well forward as the ladies in the squad perform some of the more acrobatic of the deviations in a fully synchronised way that shows off their accomplishments to their full effect.

Village Green Orgies And The English Summer

Of course, during a typical British summer, especially a ‘barbecue summer’ as faithfully promised by our weather forecasters during this year’s ‘summer’, it is advisable not to try to hold an open-air orgy on the village green, certainly not without snorkels and flippers. Admittedly, an open-air orgy in snorkels and flippers does have a great deal to recommend it, especially for such perversions as The Smoked Haddock Pandemonium and The Battered Cod Fillet And Assistant Librarian Mushy Pea. This also goes for the more usual aquatic or semi-aquatic perversions you are no doubt already familiar with, such as The Mud-Wrestling Vicar and Campanologist, The Damp Intercourse, and so forth.

However, if the open-air orgy has been rained off we can always retire to the village hall and engage in some games until the shower has passed. Of course, you should be familiar with such basic games as Strip Ludo, Naked and Baby-oiled Twister, Erotic Dominoes, Wife-Swapper’s Cribbage and so forth, as well as the fun you can have rack your balls up and getting ready for a good solid poke on the snooker, billiard or Pool table. Although, for those wishing to play naked pool, there should be plenty of opportunities once the rain has eased off somewhat hence the usefulness of the snorkels and flippers.