Wednesday, March 4, 2009

All-Nude Chicken-Intriguing

Nasturtium Cheeseincident (1945 - 2009) began as a Chicken-Intriguer of the old school. She first learnt the ancient and noble art of Chicken-Intriguing at the knee, ankle and - on one memorable occasion - elbow, of the semi-legendary Great High Trilobite of Chicken-Intriguing - Gerrymander Ankletrouser, an adept at the once lost art of Turkey-Perplexing, as well as being the greatest Chicken-Intriguer this world has ever known.

It was only through following Ankletrouser's rigorous training regime, and strict diet of Draught Guinness and pickled onions, that Nasturtium Cheeseincident was - after many years and countless disappointments - able to achieve the highest reaches of the Chicken-Intriguing discipline, mastering such - once-considered almost impossible - Chicken-Intriguing stances as the notorious Crouching Stockbroker, Disinterested Spaniel and Loquacious Hedge-trimmer of Tipton.

Cheeseincident first came to the attention of Ankletrouser when she was runner-up in the first post-war International Chicken-Intriguing finals in Paris during the summer of 1960. Ankletrouser immediately offered her his services, and once the misunderstanding with Nasturtium's rather over-protective father, Benchpress Cheeseincident, was cleared up and Ankletrouser was out of hospital, her training began in earnest.

Cheeseincident completely disappeared from the International Chicken-Intriguing circuit from that point. It was assumed that she had - like so many of those once-keen young Chicken-Intriguers - succumbed to one of the many vices - drink, drugs, perverted sexual practices, or even accountancy - that plagued Chicken-Intriguing at the time. But she was deep in training with Ankletrouser at his secret training ground, deep in the heart of mysterious Wolverhampton.

It was during this period, out of the limelight, that Nasturtium Cheeseincident began to experiment with the first of the many revolutions in Chicken-Intriguing she was to bring about. Eschewing the then-typical Chicken-Intriguing costume of black rolled-top wellies, spangled leather thong, donkey jacket tied with muddied string, and bobble-hat of the professional Chicken-Intriguers, Nasturtium began to experiment with naked Chicken-Intriguing.

After first disapproving of this innovation, soon the great Ankletrouser himself became a fervent advocate of this methodology, even though he later confessed that watching Nasturtium practicing naked Chicken-Intriguing did tend to give him very sore wrists for several days afterwards.

Of course, these days we all tend to be a bit blasé about naked International Chicken-Intriguing. But, on Cheeseincidents first appearance completely naked in the preliminary rounds of the Droitwich International Chicken-Intriguing finals in 1964, the whole world was shocked, outraged and quite aroused by her. After all, Nasturtium Cheeseincident had the sort of body that makes grown men walk into lampposts, so to see it in the familiar contortions of the expert chicken-intriguing poses is enough to add several new chapters to the Big Boy's Book of Advanced Sexual Perversions.

Of course, Droitwich was only the beginning for Nasturtium Cheeseincident. Soon after winning the grand final by intriguing not one, but three flocks of chickens for almost a solid half an hour utilizing the - until then - unheard-of stance, Shoe-Shop Manageress in State of Disorientation she became the household name she would remain until her retirement from professional Chicken-Intriguing twenty-three years later.

But, sadly, her personal life away from the glamour and excitement of International Chicken-Intriguing was not such a success. She had a string of short-lived affairs with several eligible bachelors, none of which bought her any happiness. She had numerous affairs with other women too, which again brought her little fulfilment, but provided the rest of us with some very memorable incidents from her stolen home-movies. It was not until her thirtieth year when she finally retired from full time Chicken-Intriguing while still unbeaten world champion for the eleventh year running that she finally found personal happiness in her private life when she moved in with the entire North Shropshire Fire Service Amateur rugby team.

Apart from giving the very occasional Chicken-Intriguing exhibition, she gave up the sport entirely to live out the rest of her life in quiet, cosy domestic bliss with her rugby team.

She died, tragically, last Saturday at the age of sixty, when the - now nearly all badly arthritic - rugby team could no longer keep the shape of the scrum and they all collapsed on her as she lay naked underneath them. Nasturtium Cheeseincident was rushed to the hospital where they attempted to disentangle her from the lower part of the scrum, but it was all in vain and she died on the operating table. Several of the rugby team were treated for minor injuries, and one had to have a jockstrap surgically removed before being allowed out of the hospital.

On hearing of her untimely death, Gerrymander Ankletrouser - now Emeritus Professor of Chicken-Intriguing and General Poultry-Confusion at Wibble College, Cambridge, issued this statement: 'Throughout her career, Nasturtium Cheeseincident was, unarguably, the most famous Chicken-Intriguer in the world, not only for her looks, her body and her creative use of bad language, but for the whole air of serious and profound understanding of the art of Chicken-Intriguing she always possessed. She was - without a doubt - Chicken-Intriguing's first, greatest and most consummate artist. It is unlikely there will ever be another quite like her.'

The funeral of Nasturtium Cheeseincident (1945-2009), World Champion Chicken- Intriguer 1964-2000, will take place on Tuesday, 10 March 2009 at the Our Plaice fish and chip shop, Nuneaton.

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