Wednesday, March 25, 2009

Badger Procurement Mechanism Taxation

The Chief Turbo-Weasel And/Or Donkey-Powered Indifferent Badger Procurement Mechanism Taxation Evaluation Management Inspector is a bit of a mouthful*, so we just tend to call him Rupert. Although, that is not his real name.

Anyway, he is due here later today to make his annual assessment. He will want to see the books, of course. Although, these days he does prefer to watch the DVDs, especially those taken at the village hall orgies and at all the other special village events involving nudity, fetish gear, extreme unguents, lotions, battery-operated devices and well-lubricated small furry animals. All of which are - of course - now taxed at 15.2345987%, as they are all products the government class as of an interesting and rudely intimate nature and primarily of use for the achievement of sexual satisfaction**.

Now, though, getting back to the reason why the Chief Turbo-Weasel And/Or Donkey-Powered Indifferent Badger Procurement Mechanism Taxation Evaluation Management Inspector is poised to call on us, is because we have just procured Little-Frigging-In-The-Wold's first ever Donkey-Powered Indifferent Badger Procurement Mechanism. Consequently, we need to have its taxation level suitably adjusted before the start of the Indifferent Badger Procurement season.

Right up to (and including) last season we met the entire village's Indifferent Badger Procurement needs through the ages-old traditional method.

For the handful of you who are not familiar with the traditional method, here is a brief outline:

1. First, take your nubile young lady to a secluded clearing in the woods.

2. Get her to remove all her clothing and then, and only then, adopt various provocative stances.

3. Meanwhile, while taking a firm grasp on your sack with one hand, and your Indifferent Badger Procurement divining rod firmly in your other hand, find some bushes at the edge of the clearing where you can secrete yourself whilst keeping a close watch on your now-undressed nubile young lady as she adopts her various provocative poses.

4. When you feel your - firmly-grasped - rod begin to twitch then you know there is an indifferent badger in the vicinity.

5. Once the badger becomes aware of the nubile young lady, he will - of course - venture closer.

6. Once the badger gets close enough, he will realise that the young lady is adopting various provocative poses whilst in a state of undress. This will immediately curtail his indifference as he sits down to write a letter of complaint to the relevant authorities, pausing only to take as many photographs as he feels necessary both for purposes of evidence, and for his own personal private collection.

7. By this point, your rod should have finished twitching and you should no longer feel the need to secrete yourself. Now is the time to grasp your sack firmly in both hands and to rush towards the still-engrossed badger.

Now, of course, the Donkey-Powered Indifferent Badger Procurement Mechanism makes all this unnecessary. You merely have to set the machine in motion at the edge of the clearing, while you sit back with your nubile young lady to discuss the finer points of Kierkegaard's philosophy or whether the decline of the Roman Empire was, in fact, inevitable or any other points of common interest, as the machine does its work.

Yes, something of the romance of the past has been lost. But neither you or I, or even Miss Entanglements at the Old Post Office can stand in the way of progress.

*Or so Maureen attests, rather wistfully.

**Only exempting when such devices and/or materials are used on government business by a member of the aforesaid government and/or his or her civil servants***.

***This is known as the 'Prescott amendment', made after a personal request by the former deputy prime minister and one of his civil servants.

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