Friday, March 6, 2009

Inter-Village Orgy League: Match Report

Well, now. We are approaching the halfway point in this year's Upper Thyghspreader Inter-Village Orgy League. I am pleased to say that Little-Frigging-In-The-Wold is in a very strong position in the top six, just 7 points, one submission and a confused mallard duck behind the league leaders, Titten-Growper, and capable of moving up to third place if we can score at least 3 touchdowns and a multiple orgasm against Morningwood-in-the-LowerBack next Saturday.

However, despite this, our last match - against 10th placed Much Piddling - didn't quite go as predicted in the Little-Frigging-In-The-Wold Gleaner, where their sports correspondent, Sherry Ventilator, claimed it would be an easy win, if not a walkover for Little Frigging.

Things went well enough during the first quarter with Little Frigging scoring 7 points, a touchdown and a field goal before changing ends. However as the third over of the second quarter began with Little Frigging in possession of all the sexual aids, our best player, Strom Thighhammer (LFITW Blacksmith) was sent off for Un-Gentlemanly Fondling in the penalty area during the second Ladies' Excuse-Me of the quarter.

However, repeated viewing of the match video* has demonstrably proved that Strom was unfairly provoked by the Much Piddling Centre-Laidback, Hetty Mellowthighs, when she gave him a fully body-check in an offside position while out of sight of the referee and umpires. It later transpired that the referee was otherwise engaged at the bar, getting his round in, when the incident occurred and had to rely on the word of the fourth official when the Much Piddling team claimed the foul.

Consequently, from the penalty, Much Piddling scored an equalising multiple orgasm when their expert penalty-taker, Grope Donkeywang, sent Little Frigging's Fanny Knickerless completely the wrong way.

After the sending off, the remainder of the Little Frigging team fought bravely, including many goal-line clearances, to prevent Much Piddling achieving any more multiple orgasms, points or even touchdowns. In particular, Maureen Trouser-Quandary was named Person of the Orgy for her stout defence of her end under constant assault from the Much Piddling forwards as they attempted to thrust ahead.

It was not until the last few seconds of the match - after Labia Entanglements, Little Frigging's Centre Rear Fondler, was substituted with a suspected itchy knee - that Little Frigging managed to score a fully-consensual double touchdown in Much Piddling's box, and thus end the match on a draw.

The much needed points from this draw enabled Little-Frigging to retain their place near the top of the league and suggested that they may - at least - be in with a chance of, if not winning the League Championship for 2008/9, be in a good position to qualify for the European Inter-Village Orgy Champion's League next season.

[Please note: The post-orgy wheelbarrows were generously provided by Splodge & Sons (Purveyors of Marital and Sexual aids to the gentry since 1789).]

*Now available on DVD at all good (and a fair few poor-to-middling) Adult Stores and Vicarage Coffee Mornings.

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