Thursday, March 5, 2009

Open-Air Orgies And Their Drawbacks

Spring is almost upon us and I trust you all (both of you) have your sexual arousal spatulas fully-oiled (with turbo-weasel spleen oil) ready for the new season’s round of orgies, as it will not be long now before the open-air orgy scene begins in earnest*.

Although open-air orgies seem to embody so much of the rural idyll, they, like most Arcadian fantasies differ in the reality a good deal from what you urban ‘sophisticates’ so naively imagine.

Most obvious, I suppose, is the danger of exposing your nether regions and intimate delicate parts in the general vicinity of several forms of insect life that – it seems – only exist on this earth to cause severe irritation to its human inhabitants. I speak, in particular, of wasps who not only seem to have an insatiable appetite for the jam-ensmeared faces of young children, they also seem to be attracted to the oils, lubricants and other unguents without which no modern-day outdoor orgy would be complete, or quite as sticky.

Other outdoor problems, such as:

· Setting up the deck chairs for the audience and those taking a tea break

· Dog – and other animal - evacuations

· Not being ‘in’ when the postman knocks

· Wind damage to the fresh cream cakes

· Muddy knees and elbows

· Damp grass cuttings in the crevices

And so on and so forth do tend to make these events not for the squeamish**, or for the easily discouraged.

*And Earnest is remarkably willing – and accommodating – for a man of his advanced years.

**The sight of Grand Uncle Stagnant advancing across the village green, naked except for his pre-war wellies, is not a sight for those of a non-robust constitution, especially if you happen to catch him masticating near the fresh cream cakes.

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