Tuesday, March 24, 2009

Sexual Deviant of the Year 2009

But, you may well ask - and you have more than every right to, I hasten to add - what about the Village Sexual Deviant of the Year contest for this year, then?

Well, I'm glad you mentioned it. Even though Maureen herself has been a runner-up for three out of the last five years with her outfit of red leather tabard, day-glo wellies, roll of sellotape and extensive assortment of fresh cream cakes, the winner's rosette has usually been taken - except for 2007, of course - by Mrs Labia Entanglements, our very own Head Postmistress.

Last year she won wearing her now-infamous sherry-trifle bra and matching open-crotch lemon meringue panties, elbow-length heavy duty gardening gloves, stiletto-heeled purple fisherman's waders and - inevitably - her trademark silver and blue woollen balaclava. Not forgetting - of course - the text book on double-entry bookkeeping in her right hand and - as a finishing touch - the dog lead in her left hand on the other end of which was Grand Old Uncle Stagnant, naked except for a half-pound bag of toffees, his ancient panama hat and - obviously - his studded leather dog collar.

This year, though, it is rumoured that Mrs Entanglements will face strong competition from a relative newcomer to the village. Having only been in the village for twenty-three years from the age of two, she is yet fully to settle in as a bona-fide local, but young Miss Lesley Mufflapper, the head Librarian, along with her new live-in 'friend', Assistant Librarian Miss Margie Mingefinger, are regarded as very strong contenders for this year's award. So, they may well be worth a flutter - that is - if you can get the right odds.

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