Saturday, April 18, 2009

The Mating Habits Of Wild Lawyers

Like most of their other activities, the breeding habits of lawyers are not best observed by those faint of heart (or – for that matter - those short of cash). For not only do the putative breeding pair of lawyers have to find a swamp fetid enough for their mating, they also have to ensure that both their scales of fees are mutually compatible. Furthermore, they both agree on the very detailed pre-nuptial agreement that both parties must sign before they begin to consider drawing up a final Deed of Copulation.

Then the female lawyer* makes a nest out of discarded writs and other legal documents, before awaiting the arrival of the male who performs a display of full litigation before her. Sometimes, this is not enough and the female lawyer has to charge the male a ‘finder’s fee’ before they can actually encage in the act.

Once the act has taken place, then both lawyers take turns sitting on the nest until someone phones up to complain how long it is taking, then – less than 7 months latter – the lawyer eggs hatch out into tadpoles.

*Such is the mystique and mystery surrounding these peculiar creatures that it took until the 20th Century before naturalists discovered there was such a thing as a female lawyer. Up until then it was assumed that the lawyer reproduced itself asexually in some manner – hence the historic collective name for a group of lawyers – ‘a bunch of wankers’.

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