Concerning the Brussels Sprouts of our fevered erotic imaginings and longings, it is not hard – although it soon will be – to see why such sexually provocative brassicas have such a firm grip on our erotic desires and urgings. The sprout – far from just the hideous vegetable of childhood mealtimes – does - when the troublesome years of adolescence are passed – often come to occupy a central role in the erotic imagination of the more inventive adult.
Who of us gathered here today – being all of open mind, mature of thought and loose of under-garmenting as to when it comes to giggling childishly about the erotic doings of other people – has not in the deep watches of night felt a stirring deep in the loins whenever the mind wonders on the erotic possibilities contained within the humble domestic vegetable rack?
Carrots, parsnips, leeks and even corncobs will – of course – be familiar and obvious for their inherent erotic possibilities. However, those of us gathered here today are – of course – well advanced past such minor perversions and deviations, having already – perhaps – sampled the erotic capabilities of the pickled beetroot, the perverse delights of erotically placing broccoli upon a tethered and suitably moistened chiropodist. As for spring cabbage and a tightly-restrained bank manager, I’m sure I do not need to go into any greater detail there.
So, onto Brussels sprouts…. Or, rather the Brussels Sprout in erotic proximity to a lightly-oiled traffic warden wielding sex spatulas in a provocative manner is enough to….
Er… if you could all just excuse me for a minute or two… there is something I just need to go and adjust….