Thursday, April 2, 2009

On Receiving One’s First Brace of Sex Spatulas

The first time a putative young pervert first gets his or her hands on their very first set of sex spatulas can be a very heady (if they are very lucky) experience indeed. Of course, they are unlikely to be the fully bespoke sex spatulas of their very own, tooled and shaped just so they seem to become extensions of their wielders own hands, of the type that those of us fortunate enough to be perverts of many years standing possess.

I suppose the more experienced of us here can afford to smile indulgently as we recall our instructors – sometimes at the point of exasperation – imploring us to be at one with our sex spatulas despairing that we would ever learn how to ‘feel the fondle’. We could also recall all those hours, alone in our teenage bedrooms, practising solo sex spatula self-manipulation until our wrists were too sore to carry on and we collapsed fully-drained onto our beds, totally spent.

Then there was the hesitant shy nervousness of being with someone for the first time, as we tentatively built up the nerve to show each other our sex spatulas and together stumbled through our first fully-consensual manipulations.

I always remember my first time and the amount of concentration I put into my manipulations, eager to impress my equally shy and nervous new partner. I remember concentrating so hard that I was shocked into immobility, with my spatulas poised above the naked young body of my partner, by the audience breaking out into a spontaneous round of applause when they saw how I had mastered the sometimes tricky back-handed grip necessary for the underarm self-basting manoeuvre. I managed to recover my composure though, once the audience had settled themselves again, but not quite quickly enough for the judges to give me the full marks for the manoeuvre that my tutor later said she had expected.

Still, though, I did pass the test and get my Ordinary Level Applied Perversions Certificate Grade One, which allowed me to put my name down for my first-ever post-teenage orgy in the Little Frigging village hall that following autumn term.

Oh, happy days.

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