Those of you with a fully-developed instinct for the perverse will almost automatically know the value of an exactly placed tomato in order to increase the erotic intensity of a sexual experience. Sally Doyle, our local green grocer, has become – by nature of her intimate acquaintanceship with all manner of fruit and vegetables – something of the village expert in the erotic possibilities inherent in fruit and vegetables. Her melons have – in fact – become the talking point of the whole village for their firmness, ripeness and size, always attracting a large crowd whenever she displays them to their full advantage.
However, it is her wide familiarity with the perverse uses to which fruit and vegetables can be put which has made her invaluable to the Little Frigging Inter-Village Orgy team, in this season’s attempt to win the Inter-Village perversions cup.
Her use of the unusually-shaped carrot during the semi-final first leg of the third test play-off extra-time penalty shoot-out of last season’s Inter-Village Perversions Cup Winners Cup Winners Cup Cup has gone down in sporting history. Her inspired use of this vegetable enabled the Little Frigging Inter-Village Orgy team to win the match in the dying seconds by one goal, two touch-ups and a briefly aroused chicken.
Her introduction of the surprise radish has also enlivened our weekly OAP orgies in the village hall, bringing a smile to many a senior citizen’s face on each Wednesday afternoon.
Furthermore, Sally Doyle’s use of the cucumber lubricated with a generous coating of homemade salad oil has been generally credited with putting the spring back into the step of our local magistrate - Colonel Fitz-Tightly, who claims it has done wonders for his arthritis.