Thursday, May 28, 2009

On The Warming Of The Cockles

Now, if you already have your postmistress suitably restrained and awaiting the application of the peach slices, then be aware that there can be some untoward consequences if the aforesaid sliced fruit is not at least up to room temperature. It is vitally important if you want to become a true adept of the perverted arts that you understand how things like the temperature of substances (such as fruit slices, devices, unguents and even lightly-oiled firemen can have on one’s partner or partners in the putative act that you are hoping to soon get underway. The human body is a very sensitive thing (except in the case of Grand Uncle Stagnant, of course), and even more so in the case of someone prepared for the sensitivity and delicacy of most of the more imaginative perversions in the true adept’s repertoire.

The putative adept pervert should not approach these matters like a bull at a gate*, but with grace, delicacy and a full range of cream cakes for afterwards.

Consequently, unless a strong preference is expressed otherwise, then, one should never use the cockles straight from the fridge, but should allow them to stand and come to room temperature, before approaching the fisherman, especially if he is only wearing his fetish waders and bow-tie.

*Unless of course, one likes to indulge in fully-consensual rough field perversions, that is. In which case it is always vital to check the gate for any loose splinters beforehand, and to be confident that approaching the gate at speed will not – in any way – put a dent in your ardour, or cause an outbreak of dry rot in the crevices.

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