Friday, May 29, 2009

The Village Open-Air Orgy (+ Barbeque)

Obviously, there are now some preparations that need to be undertaken in order to make sure that Monday evening's all-village open-air orgy and barbeque all goes as planned.

It is a tradition in the village, dating back almost as far as the Pre-Sergeant Pepper era, to have the village's first open-air orgy of the year on the first day of June. This event is held to commemorate the first-ever sighting of a hippie in the village, and the subsequent discovery of just how well they seem to burn.

It was the consequent post-immolation euphoria, which - as these things tend to do - led to that first spontaneous orgy*. An orgy, as village legend has it, of such Bacchanalian excesses that Grand Old Uncle Stagnant put his back out. Subsequently he was then reduced to only the gentlest of hand-relief from the then Post-Mistress (Gloria Mammary-Swelling) for the following two months.

Of course, over the intervening period, many more hippies (usually trapped as they try to make their way to Glastonbury** along a nearby ley-line) have gone up in smoke at this time of year in order to commemorate that first day.

About a decade, or so, ago the post-orgy barbeque (strictly no sausages) was introduced in order to round the evening off nicely. There is talk of also introducing special fetish events (including an exhibition Inter-village orgy match), but some feel this may be a little too elaborate, for what is - after all is said and done - just a run of the mill village orgy.

 

*Recent research has suggested that this may have arisen due to the large quantity of… er… certain herbal substances that went up in smoke with the hippy. It seems he had secreted a large quantity of such substances deep within the recesses of his Afghan coat.

** Although, of course, these days Glastonbury festival is less a destination for hippies and more of a version of this, combined with this, for those of the middle-classes who still like to think of themselves as trendy, hip, cool or whatever the current teen argot is for ‘not quite past it’ is.

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