Tuesday, June 16, 2009

The Cunning Linguist

For those men who may, for perfectly obvious reasons of inadequacy, have trouble meeting and getting on (and off) with the ladies in attendance at their local all-village orgy I have some words of advice and encouragement.

Firstly, the importance of personal hygiene. If even your herd of pigs, or even farm-assured lawyers turn away in disgust (in the case of the lawyers without even first checking your bank balance) then you may need to consider having more than your usual two or three goes in the sheep dip a year, and consider having regular baths, ideally utilising both soap and water.

Secondly, No matter how little she is wearing, and in most village-orgy situations this generally amounts to not much, or even less. It is rude* to stare, it is even ruder to drool, or to ask if they are real. It is not considered polite to request her to hold your wherewithal without being formally introduced, and – unless you are unusually well-blessed in that department – she will not be immediately impressed by the size, or strength, of your ardour.

Thirdly, is the importance of eye contact. No, not there, or any of the other interesting bits of the female body. Make eye contact with her eyes and try to stop your own eyes from wandering too far away too often, especially towards the bar and especially, especially towards other females in your vicinity, especially those younger, slimmer or in any other way more attractive that your current interlocutor.

Fourthly, despite the firm evidence of the existence of handbags, it has now been conclusively proven that women are intelligent, sometimes merely only two or three times as intelligent, as the average man. This does mean they do like to engage in conversation, but not always about any strangely suppurating malfunctions of your body, no matter how copious or oddly-coloured the discharge, and – especially – not the offside rule.

Fifthly, This use of the tongue in pleasing women is what separates those of us who know, love and understand the fairer sex from those of you who just stand on the sidelines of the orgy pitch cursing your fate before taking yourself in hand for the long pull homewards.

 

*This is not rude in the good way

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