Anyway, here we are all ready for the first new event of the tourist season. Of course, in these straightened times it is more vital than ever we get as much of their money off the tourists as possible before they re-board their touring coaches and head off over the hills to Much Piddling. That is why we offer discount tickets for the Exhibition Outdoor Orgies on the village green each Wednesday and Friday afternoon (weather permitting*).
Of course, these events do have to be somewhat modified to attract the attention of the now somewhat jaded and over-stimulated tourists that frequent the coach parties you see thundering through the highways and byways of the English rural landscape throughout the summer months. Each coach load is hastily ferried hither and yon to sample the delights of the traditional cream tea, the picturesque architecture, the traditional arts and crafts and many other traditional events that have existed in rural life since the discovery that tourists can be separated from their money with relative ease by those well-versed in the necessary techniques.
Of course, it is not just the tickets for the Exhibition Outdoor Orgies that we have on sale. There are also the Official Programmes, featuring many full-colour photographic stills from the Exhibition Outdoor Orgies, which make the programmes themselves very tempting to collectors and connoisseurs, especially collectors of fine Gentlemen’s Literature, that often take such trips out to view the traditional rural perversions in person.
Then, of course, it goes without saying there are the half-time refreshments, and a special little added treat of my own invention, which has become very popular indeed. A chance one the event is over to go backstage – as it were and meet the teams who have just taken part in the orgy as they are chauffeured from the pitch in the post-orgy wheelbarrows. As they are assisted from the field, those participants who still have enough strength in their wrists will, of course, gladly sell their autographs to the hordes of fans waiting to congratulate them on their performance on the field, as well as – for a small fee – pose for photographs with their dedicated admirers and fans.
All-in-all then, it is a very enjoyable – if slightly more expensive than you’d budgeted for – day out, and one I get a small commission for recommending so highly to you. So, please book early to avoid disappointment.
*Otherwise – if raining - in the large barn at Trouser-Quandary farm, providing – that is – the cows don’t mind going back out into the rain too much.