Thursday, June 4, 2009

Health And Safety In A Village Hall Orgy Context

Place the banana parallel to the social worker and then withdraw to a safe distance before igniting the sex weasel.

I’m sure all of you are now familiar with such advice, seemingly given out constantly by the government’s incessant safety campaigns, especially as the start of the beginning of the commencement of the outdoor orgy season is about to get underway. Most of it is – of course - common (and/or village green) sense. However, of late, there has been an increasing tendency for officialdom to get not only over-cautious to the point of parody, but also to become strictly authoritarian in a manner very contrary to the traditional British half-arsed way of muddling through and making do.

British people do often hark back to the days of the blitz – our finest hour – and wonder how such feats of everyday bravery and courage would be possible under the governmental mentality (both local and national) which we now suffer, and quietly seethe.

By way of example, our forebears have oft told the tale of the problems of holding an all-village orgy in the village hall under strict blackout conditions during WWII. Just, by way of example, think of the danger in the pitch darkness of splints from untreated knotholes in the wooden walls of the average village hall, also consider the danger of unattended mop and broom handles left out and not securely locked away in the janitor’s cupboard. Then there was the strict wartime rationing of weasel-spleen oil and badger-related unguents, which often left many a quantity surveyor sorely under-lubricated.

These days there are several pages of rules concerned solely with the most safety-conscious way of trussing up your local cake shop manageress, using only the seven fully government-approved knots. Furthermore, any deviation requiring a well-oiled bank manager, or even a well-marmaladed member of the clergy, requires a visit from a representative of the Health And Safety Executive to issue a fully EU directive-compliant besmirchment certificate, valid only for a single putative besmirching of the person - or persons - in question.

As for engaging in a Pineapple Inquiry without first donning the regulation knee and elbow pads, that is now punishable by a fine of up to £500 pounds and 12 points on your Fully-Qualified Perversion Practitioner licence.

So, if the authorities do not end this over-obsessive Health and Safety attitude soon, then it will not be too long before even putting on one’s waders and bowler hat in order to meet an assistant librarian around the back of the duck pond on a Tuesday afternoon will become far more trouble than it is worth. And that will be a very sad day indeed, especially for the ducks.

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