Tuesday, June 2, 2009

Her Majesty’s Inspectorate of the Rude and Naughty

Now, whoever it was who took down the Throbbing Weasel 90000 from the dildo rail at the back of the village hall during last Thursday’s afternoon Village Orgy, Jumble sale and Tea Dance, forgot to check that the batteries were fully recharged before replacing it.

Although, despite causing some inconvenience to those who wish to make use of the item in question at the next village event, this would not otherwise be worth commenting on. After all, we all tend to overlook such trivial little details, especially when we have to manoeuvre our way through an in-progress orgy to get to the white elephant or, even, the homemade cakes stall at the jumble sale. It is all too easy to forget to recharge one’s devices when distracted by – for example a bargain cruet set, or a splendidly up-swelling cream horn resplendent in all its glory.

However, last Friday was our Yearly All-Village Orgy Preparedness Inspection by Her Majesty’s Inspectorate of the Rude and Naughty (HMIRN). Every year, up to this year, we - in Little Frigging – have managed to win the full five stars from the Inspectorate for our state of preparedness. We - as a village - are able to go from normal routine village activity to a fully outstanding state of orgy readiness in less than ten minutes with all devices ready and fully charged, all oils and unguents at the proper temperature, and all sex weasels primed and badgers fully loaded.

Each villager will be standing proud in their fully-burnished fetish gear of choice, all equipped with a brace of sex spatulas and a full perversion utility belt, all ready to engage in a full-on all-village orgy as soon as the umpire is blown for the start of the orgy.

Unfortunately, when the HMIRN inspectors arrived for the annual check yesterday, the Throbbing Weasel 90000 was only 45% charged, with – therefore – only enough power left to satiate fully less than three librarians and a cake shop manageress in direct contravention of the EU’s Village Hall Orgy Directive of 1985.

Consequently, this year we were only awarded four stars. This was – indeed - a huge disappointment to the whole of the village, and there was talk of what affect such a lower ranking could have on the vital income for the village from this summer’s tourist season. With luck, however, we can more than make up for it with our new displays of Synchronised Orgiastics, and other such fresh tourist attractions I will tell you more of at a later date, and for us all in the village to make sure that come next year’s inspection we are much better prepared.

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