Now, as we stand here once again, about to embark on this journey deep into the heart of the perverted arts and sciences it is important to examine how they relate to the modern world in a truly existential sense, especially in respect of mint-sauce coated stockbrokers and lightly-restrained systems analysts. Thenceforth, we can see just how and why the use of cream cakes became so central to the truly-perverted lifestyle and how no modern-day all-village orgy can be considered complete without offering a full range of post-orgy cakes for the delectation of its participants.
I think it was the famous goalkeeper, existentialist and pervert, Jean-Albert Camembert, who first formulated the modern existentialist dilemma of the post-war orgy-goer, ‘Can a man and/or woman be truly authentic – in an autonomous and existential sense - when buttering a weasel whilst dressed as a supply geography teacher?’
The answer is, of course, as we now know, yes. But, only if the weasel is placed directly North-East of the stockbroker and downwind from the librarian in the leather tupping harness. Obvious enough now, you would think, but Camembert was writing in a very different time. France had only just emerged from the deprivations of the Second World War, and many of its self-proclaimed bravest resistance fighters were still hiding in their grandmothers’ attics. The French reputation as Europe’s leading sexual experimenters was in tatters, as were most of that impoverished country’s supplies of fetish gear, including the striped shirts, bicycles, strings of onions and berets of the traditional itinerant French perverting ‘Hommes Naughteaux’.
These freewheeling (mainly because they were too knackered to pedal) freelance deviants would tour the rural areas of France as casual deviants, turning their hand, feet, knees and – if the occasion demanded it – their elbows to whatever orgy, field perversion, rural deviation, or other sexual dalliance needed their assistance.
So, it was not until the America-backed Marshall Plan was well underway, and the French ‘Resistance’ fighters had been tempted down from their Grandmothers’ attics with a promise that ‘the naughty bad men have all gone away now’, could French perversions return to their pre-war levels.
However, once they had been re-equipped with the America-funded fetish gear, the ‘Hommes Naughteaux’ reverted to traditional French method of sitting about in a café philosophising about everything, instead of actually doing it. This lead – of course – to many advances in French Theoretical Perversions, but very little in the way of actual perverted activity, as in the much more practical Anglo-Saxon way. Although, to be fair, it did result in many useful innovative ideas of how to use the onion, the bicycle, and – in advanced cases – the beret, in our actual day-to-day perversions, many of which I’m sure are now so familiar to you they do not need reiterating here.
All-in-all, then, although the French have made great strides in the philosophy of perversion, it remains to be seen if existential perversions will stand the test of time, or become yet another footnote in the fascinating - and often quite arousing - history of the perverted arts and sciences.