Thursday, June 11, 2009

Tourist Trapping

Well, now. It seems there is nothing really all that much happening at the moment, here in Little-Frigging-In-The-Wold. Although, having said that, we did manage to entrap a brace of very lucrative tourists in Mrs Minge Peccadillo's Antique Marital Aids Emporium over the weekend.

Mrs Peccadillo successfully managed to convince them that the old piece in prominent display in her central cabinet was, in fact, the very dildo used with such devastating precision to bring about the defeat of Richard III in the Battle of Bosworth Field, which enabled the Tudor succession to the throne of England.

In fact, though, the piece was found by Old Feebletrousers himself during a badger-mollifying excursion twelve years ago.

Mrs Peccadillo is now - apparently - trying to get the tourists interested in what she claims is the very merkin worn by Kathryn Howard, the fifth wife of Henry VIII, on her wedding night. However, everyone in the village knows that rather than being a merkin, the piece is, in fact, actually Colonel Fizt-Tightly's mislaid toupee.

The toupee went missing during a very eventful orgy in the village hall last September. The colonel, however, refused to claim it as he always regarded any assertion that he wore a hairpiece as damnable impudence of the highest order. He strenuously insisted that his overnight change from a full head of hair to total baldness was entirely due to the experience of being subjected to some very expert ministrations by Miss Entanglements, from the Post Office, during the orgy. This, he claims, sent him bald overnight, gave him backache for three weeks and made him - from that day forth - unable to pass close to a cheese-salad baguette without blushing.

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