Wednesday, June 24, 2009

Woodland Perversions – A Practical Guide

So, what becomes of the broken sex weasel grommet? It is a question I am sure much on your minds of late, what with the dire world economic situation and a political ‘elite’* who demonstrate all the competence of a remedial beginner’s class at a school for village idiots. But, still, we do not gather here to speak of such Moorlocks. There are more interesting things afoot, especially when we all don our thigh-length fetish woodland boots and – of course – a hat.

Yes, for we are going down to the woods today in order to sample the delights of some of the more esoteric woodland perversions, some even utilising that good old woodland perversions standby – the stick.

Here you will see why the thigh-length boots are central to the woodland perversion experience**, every putative woodland pervert - however keen - should be mindful of both brambles and nettles (For example, when undertaking The Banker’s Just Reward perversion). Although, in some advanced perversions both plants do have their uses for now we will steer clear of them.

Many a woodsman will speak of the importance of having a good firm stick – or ‘wood’ as the cognoscenti have it – for poking into the bush when out on one’s Woodland Perversion Rambles. Many is the time when a female companion will show just how grateful she is to have your wood on hand to poke deep into the bush at such opportune times that may arise during the course of your perambulations.

From the above you will – hopefully – come to the conclusion that a gentleman about to undertake any Woodland Perversion should always make sure that he has firm wood himself before taking his postmistress, assistant librarian or even cake shop manageress into the undergrowth. Otherwise, the putative event could be a considerable disappointment to his lady friend and lead her to decline any similar offers he makes in the foreseeable future.

 

*elite is of course used here in the high ironic sense.

**Yes, I do indeed remember The Woodland Perversion Experience. For those who do not a very fine early 70s psychedelic rock band. Their 1971 album Are You A Naughty Lady is regarded as a classic of the genre and should be in every serious fan’s collection, as long as no-one makes the mistake of actually trying to listen to the interminable thing all the way through.

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