When the time comes for you to turn off the devices, unfasten the tupping harness and let the assistant librarian return to her cataloguing there is always a certain piquancy of, if not quite regret, then a feeling that something has been lost, a moment that has gone and cannot be brought back. It is not quite the feeling that one is deep within the lupins of dejection, but more an acknowledgement that even the fully-perverted life does have some drawbacks, for even the circumcised as well as for those circumscribed by circumstance.
However, let us not tarry too long by the shores of the sea of despondency. Instead, let us gather together our fetish implements and our perversion utility belts and head off into tupping shed No. 7. For here, the Little Frigging cake shop manageress, Fanny Knickerless, has personally promised to lick all the whipped cream from our cream horns in her attempt to beat the world record set up by Miss Glori Wholasuckemoff, of Splurtz, Russia, in 1987, of creaming off 23 horns in 58 minutes and seven seconds.
Obviously, most of the men in the village will be there, thrusting their cream horns proudly forth so that the cake shop manageress can get herself a full satisfying mouthful before she moves on to the next one in line. Having to deal with as many cream horns in as fast a time as possible means that Fanny’s shop assistants, Sue Pastry and Jane Tart will have to both work swiftly in order to make sure that the horns next in line are at their peak of firmness, ready for when Fanny herself comes to cream them off.
It is almost guaranteed to be a very popular event and will be – of course – filmed for what we believe will be very strong sales in the souvenir DVD department of the Little Frigging In The Wold Gift Shop. So, please do come early, and for those of you wishing to be involved when Fanny Knickerless goes down in the record books, please bring a firmly-upstanding cream horn for her to enjoy.