Friday, July 10, 2009

Holiday Perversions – both abroad and in the UK – Part One

I see that time of year is now upon us when the loyal reader of this… this… this…er… whatever it is begins to contemplate the prospect of some form of holiday. Therefore, it falls to me as Little Frigging’s leading expert in theoretical and applied perversions to discuss some of the pitfalls and problems that may befall the holidaying pervert both here and abroad.

First a simple and I hope obvious warning about any small furry mammals one would wish to utilise in some of the more advanced perversions in a holiday setting. Please make sure you follow all quarantine regulations in both transporting your small furry mammals overseas, or in returning to these shores with one purchased abroad. You should not – under any circumstances – underestimate the danger of having, for example, a rabid weasel in the vicinity of your genitals, or those of any putative partner.

It is also vital to remember that continental postmistresses are more used to left-hand perversions and will look askance on anyone who, say, approaches them with a right-handed traffic warden or supply geography-teacher for perverted purposes. On no account should one ask a German librarian for a quick peek at their catalogue index, as such a thing was declared illegal just after the end of WWII, for reasons that should be obvious. You should also warn any politicians in your holiday party that Caribbean beach perversions do tend to make full use of the Pineapple Inquiry, often with a much longer run up and considerably more forceful insertion than they are probably used to in this country.

Of course, one should also be aware that continental sex spatulas are usually calibrated in metric, and please make sure you recalibrate your wallaby grouting trowels to local time, and do not leave them set to British Summer Time, especially if you have been invited to any local orgies taking place at your holiday destination. The resulting embarrassment should you forget this elementary precaution is not something you will forget, and will undoubtedly ruin your holiday.

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