Tuesday, July 7, 2009

MPs And Legitimate Expenses

Now there are many who can see that fetish gear should be a legitimate expense, especially in the case of politicians who find they cannot perform their constitutional or constituency duties without say – sellotaping a sex weasel to a research assistant, or lubricating their constituency agent with badger spleen oil before engaging in a fully-consensual Pineapple Inquiry.

Some have indeed looked askance at the proudly-upstanding member for the constituency of Upper-Thyespredder, the right honourable Gerrymander Quisling, and his claims for both moat maintenance and a duck house*. However, water-based perversions are a very traditional form of deviation here in some of the moistest parts of the British Isles that are not actually sea. Furthermore, who but the most cold-hearted could deny their MP the pleasure of a swift mallard or two, or – on Bank Holidays – a great crested grebe, at the end of a hard day’s expense counting?

As for the moat maintenance, of course, we all know of the fun that can be had with a drawbridge and a bevy of lightly-oiled stable girls, so I don’t need to go into that here. However, a well-maintained moat is also vital for those interested in archaeological recreations of medieval siege perversions, like our very own honourable member, the aforementioned Gerrymander Quisling. He has produced some excellent theoretical studies, and practical archaeological re-creations, of such - previously only vaguely understood - medieval siege perversions as the Catapult Strumpet and the Trebuchet Hussy Lob Divergence, that have impressed many in the field**.

Consequently, it was only right, despite the sceptical tone of some of the media report, that our constituency party unanimously passed a motion of full confidence in our local MP, as well as publishing a press release where we agree that all his expense claims were both necessary and legitimate. This includes the occasion when he took all of us on his constituency committee on a six-month long fact-finding mission to engage in a full in-depth study of the perversions practiced by traditional Caribbean cultures in order to facilitate our application for a EU Perversions Diversity Grant.

Therefore, Gerrymander Quisling has been cleared of all charges made against him by a mischievous and ill-informed press, and look forward to his continued future long, and financially mutually-beneficial, service to this community.


*Actually, this was a printing error. Although it is still unclear what a Duck Fouse would be.

**Especially in that particular field where the catapulted strumpet lands, more often than not, a welcome addition to many a summer picnic and orgy.

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