Of course, it was Albert Einstein’s General Theory of Relativity in 1916 that first led people to begin questioning the placement of the cheeseboard for the post-village hall orgy snacks. The – up until then – Newtonian model of the village hall orgy had meant placing the cheese board close to the slices of pork pie and away from the various pickles.
However, Einstein’s subtler understand of the nature of gravity meant that it became apparent that some of the large pickled onions could have some unwanted gravitational influence over the cheeses, especially those such as Brie or – even Camembert – that lack the mass to counter such effects.
Obviously, the post orgy snacks, especially the cheeseboard, are not the only objects within the village hall orgy context to suffer unwarranted gravitational artefacts and/or effects, as those of us who have got slightly too close to an overly-rotund bank manager, or over-endowed chiropodist, can attest. This is especially noticeable when one is trying to manoeuvre the fetish unicycle between two or more attendees somewhat over-blessed in their physical presence. For who amongst us has not witnessed the phenomenon of the larger person’s gravitational field when they are put in front of a buffet and the way thy seem to attract all the food towards themselves, just through the power of their own integral gravitational field. This is especially true in the case of pies – as Einstein noticed in his description of special relativity, when he witnessed his uncle packing away all the pies at a cousin’s wedding reception.