Friday, July 3, 2009

Sex, Pies And Sellotape

Everyone gathered here – more than likely – does not need me to tell them of the delights that can ensue from Sellotaping a Cornish Pasty to an assistant librarian. Pause, for a moment though, and consider what other pastry-related delights can be yours utilising little more than a willing post mistress or cake shop manageress, a humble roll of sellotape and a selection of both savoury and fruit-based pastries. For example:

  • The steak And Kidney Pony Girl Over-Gravying
  • The Apple Crumble And Custard Supermarket Cashier Delight
  • The Strawberry Flan Floozie Fling
  • The Beef and Ale Strumpet

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Always remember not to make the pastry too short, or it may lose its essential pie shape if the sellotape is applied too tightly, placing it under too many stresses for it to retain its structural integrity. This is especially true in the case of the Lemon Ménage, mainly because of the fragility of your meringue peaks.

There are also the more Continental perversions, for the slightly more adventurous, for example, The Quiche Lorraine (or if Lorraine is not available that evening, The Quiche Doris is an equally satisfying replacement, providing you remember to avoid getting the sellotape entangled in her cardigan.)

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For those of a more exotic cast of mind - and in possession of a roll or two of some eastern-pastry compatible sellotape - such things as The Samosa Spicy Dental Hygienist Dip and The Pancake Roll Me Over Sweet And Sour Under-Noodling are well worth a try. Although, at this juncture there may be some purist who insist on keeping the distinction between true pastry-based perversions and such exotica as the pancake roll and samosas which are not strictly pastries in the traditional western sense. I – for one, or if fortunate enough, several times - would tend towards dismissing such pettifogging nit-picking and just get the sellotape out before the postmistress is forced to return to selling stamps to a somewhat, by now, increasingly impatient queue.

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