Wednesday, July 15, 2009

Summer Perversions No. 1 – The Picnic

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In the cold of the winter months there is nothing quite like settling down in front of an open fire to be gently toasted by a brace of freshly-buttered strumpets up to full perversion-initiating temperatures, preferably on a fur rug. There are times even as the cold winds howl outside when the gentle roasting of a cake shop manageress can certainly warm the cockles of all her gentlemen friends there present.

However, as the summer approaches our thoughts turn towards the more appropriate seasonal barbecues and picnics. Therefore, it would be useful to consider what kind of perversions would be more appropriate to these seasonal activities, during the fine drizzle of an English summer.

For the picnic, I feel (and I hope you find my hands warm enough) that the traditional ways are best, so such perversions as:

  • The Picnic Humper
  • The Lusty Librarian Sandwich
  • The Cucumber Invitation
  • The Intemperate Tea Flask

All followed by a nice quiet lie down sheltered under a brace of cake shop assistants as they take it in turns to check the firmness of your cream horn, and licking off any excess cream that may accrue, whilst you take special care of their fondant fancies.

By now, in this day and age, we are all very familiar indeed with the use of the Frisbee in an erotic context. Therefore, I do not feel I ought to spend what little time I have exploring the matter, except to point out that when utilising the Frisbee always remember to bowl the librarians underarm, otherwise the off-duty fireman may end up with a very unfortunate kink in his hose*.

*and by this I don’t mean his unusual fetish of dressing up as a medieval lutist.

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