Monday, August 31, 2009

How The National Perversion Service Began

Of course, in the immediate post WWII period sex weasels and badger unguents were still rationed and sex spatulas could only be acquired through the black market. It was into this period of austerity that the then Labour government introduced the National Perversion Service. Thus, for the first time, enabling everyone in the country access to perversion services free at the point of delivery.


Of course, there was much outcry from the providers of services, fetish gear and even purveyors of bespoke perversions to the gentry, who all felt that their livelihoods would be under threat. However, the government did promise a massive expansion in the services that would be provided. The government was, however, forced to accede that the upper tier of perversion consultants would be able to continue their private practices, especially those with premises in London’s infamous Naughty Street.

For the working classes the NPS, as it became known, was a godsend. Many of the poor had not had such access to bespoke – although of limited utilitarian design – sex spatulas before in their lives, and most had regarded even the most basic wallaby-grouting accoutrements to be forever beyond their ability to afford. Soon, though the deeply war-indebted country was forced to introduce charges for fetish gear and devices, but still the principle that every citizen of the country who needed devices, fetish gear or any other such accoutrement in order to lead a fully-perverted life, could at least – to a certain extent - do so without fear of descending into penury. A principal that – seemingly – remains sacrosanct to most inhabitants of this country right up to the present day.

Thursday, August 27, 2009

Little Frigging Life Modelling Classes

Strom Thighhammer is not only Little Frigging’s blacksmith, head volunteer fireman and the leading penalty fondle scorer in the history of the Inter-Village Orgy League, he has now become, due to popular demand the model for the Village Ladies’ life modelling class.


Even the bargains offered by Splodge & Sons (Purveyors of Marital and Sexual aids to the gentry since 1789) in their latest catalogue are beyond the reach of many during these straightened times. Therefore, the ladies of the village got together after their last Ladies’ night and decided that they would look into the field of home-made devices. This field lies just half a mile widdershins of my own upper lower pasture (not to be confused with the lower upper pasture where the free-range hairstylists sunbathe and graze on fresh glossy magazines during the long summer months).

However, after sorting through the pile of broken devices in the home-made devices field, the ladies found none worth repairing and sorted the remnants into the various sexual devices and marital aid recycling boxes provided for the purpose by the Upper Thyghspreader county council*.

Anyway, the ladies decided to set up a class to make their own DIY devices, and after only 37 seconds debate they decide they would all like Strom to be the model around which they would base their endeavours.

Consequently, after the seventeen lorry-loads of modelling clay had been delivered the ladies set to work with an enthusiasm not witnessed in the village since the Little Frigging Women’s Institute managed to corner a troop of itinerant male strippers in the snug of The Pervert’s Appendage for three days during one of last winter’s power cuts.


*this of course is a result of the EU wide Sexual Devices Disposal Directive of 2004, where the UK is singed up to recycle at least 80% of its discarded or broken sexual and marital aids by 2015. The EU itself hopes to become self-sufficient in such aids and devices by 2020, although, as some critics have pointed out, most of these devices are intended to make their user self-sufficient anyway.

Wednesday, August 26, 2009

Inter-Village Orgies And The Offside Rule

Once the postmistress has the melon firmly grasped between her knees, and you have your brace of sex spatulas fully calibrated and ready for manipulation, then the librarian is free to release the chicken, providing of course you are all wearing the vital shin-pads, and do not have any picture postcards of Scarborough on or about your person.


If however, your person is found to be harbouring any surreptitious postcards of any British costal resorts about themselves, then the umpire is quite within the rules, to demand that you lose possession of the goose. Then your entire team has to withdraw back to your own ten-yard line to await the opposition’s positioning of the salad dressing in preparation for their free fondle.

This – as you are more than likely – well aware, is quite a subtle rewrite of the traditional offside rule by the International Federation of Inter-Village Orgies (IFIVO).

The federation is – to my mind, quite rightly – concerned of the increasing use of certain tactics by – it must be said, often Continental - teams in order to gain a tactical advantage by manipulating the spirit of the offside rule.

It is often quite simple for the opposition side’s rear fondlers, to creep up away from their goal line whilst the librarian is preparing to release the chicken, without the attacking side’s forwards having the chance to retreat behind the goose. If this takes place before the referee gets blown by the umpire for the release of the chicken, consequently it leaves all the attacking forwards exposing themselves to the opposition’s defensive fondlers.

Obviously, this means that any advanced placing of the devices by the attacking side is thwarted before they have a chance to even surprise the chicken. This is – many of us believe – a direct contravention of the spirit of inter-village orgiastics and should therefore be resisted with all the powers at our disposal, up to and including blackmail.

Tuesday, August 25, 2009

Summer Perversions No. 2 – The Barbecue

Barbecue-based perversions, do tend to be somewhat circumspect, mainly due to the general unwillingness of the male of our species to willingly untrouser himself in the near vicinity of cooking sausages. For accidents do have an unfortunate tendency to happen, and the prospect of red-hot coals can tend to shrivel one’s ardour, as does as the thought of an errant barbeque fork in the hands of a short-sighted or inebriated barbeque cook.


However, the use of various condiments, such as barbeque sauces, ketchups and even mustard can greatly add to the enjoyment of outdoor fetishes and perversions, especially for those that enjoy an added spiciness to their oral ministrations. The barbeque and orgy is also more than ideal for those that like to enjoy their postmistress on a bed of salad, as well as those of us who enjoy a salad undressing too. Furthermore, there can’t be that many a lady who has not enjoyed a good stiff pork kebab over by the summerhouse on a balmy summer evening.

On the other hand, though, one has to be careful that one’s summer barbecue and village orgy does not descend into mere drunken debauchery, the sort of thing that can give good healthy sexual deviance a bad name. Still, even that does beat standing around discussing the price of property and the merits, or otherwise, of various holiday destinations and other such rather squalid urban and suburban deviations.

Monday, August 24, 2009

Making Full Use Of The Fetish Unicycle

Of course, there are many perversions undertaken by the adept pervert such as the Five-Door Hatchback, the Spanish Undertaking and the Magnus Pyke Full-Reverse Over-Gesticulation, to name but three, which make full use of the fetish unicycle in a village orgy context. However, the fetish unicycle does often prove useful when one wishes to make full use of the orgy pitch, fetish area or perversion room where distances are sometimes reasonably considerable. This is especially true if, say, the next name on your orgy card is over the other side of the village hall, tarrying by the fresh cream cakes, or enjoying a nice cup of tea in the interval, whilst you are over by the dildo rail removing any excess moisture from you sex weasel.


The fetish unicycle does also have the added advantage of being highly manoeuvrable, which is a major advantage over say, the usual rural vehicles of choice such as the tractor or 4X4, which can be very awkward to even park, let lone manoeuvre, in a highly attended village orgy, especially if the tractor still has the plough attached. Although, it must be said that for those who enjoy extreme field perversions, a muddy tractor and plough can add to the piquancy of the event.

It must also be said for those who have achieved their Advanced Master of Perversions certificate or who have at least a doctorate in Theoretical and Applied Orgiastics with three years or more experience in the field (muddy or not), then the more elaborate perversions utilising three or more fetish unicyclist and their riders can be a very satisfying experience.

However, it must be stressed that such perversions can only really work if it is agreed beforehand which one of you will be left holding the badger as you change ends when the umpire gets blown at the end of each quarter. Otherwise, there is a danger of over-egging the omelette, especially if using more than one variety of cheese. However, that should be obvious to even the most neophyte orgy-goers.

Thursday, August 13, 2009

Essential Village Hall Maintenance

Now there are times when your chiropodist restraining devices are a tad on the short side, and you need new batteries for the stockbroker intriguing prods. Never mind though, there are plenty of spares kept either in the devices cupboard at the rear of the village hall, or ready and waiting on the dildo rail that runs all around the edge of the orgy floor.

It is quite remarkable how the village hall has evolved over the years to cater to the needs of all village indoor orgies. This is especially true in such all-important details as the well-polished flooring, carefully tended and kept to make sure there is never an errant splinter that could distress your postmistress at the crucial point in proceedings. It is vital, also, to make sure there is not even a discarded wad of chewing gum, or somesuch other egregious and unthoughtful discarded matter to interrupt your cake shop manageress in full flow.

The village hall itself should always be large enough to accommodate an all-village orgy, without enough room to prevent the accidental entanglement of the participants. Although, in some orgy situations - as well as such perversions as the Bridlington Huddle and the ever-popular Postman’s Heap - such random entanglements are to be encouraged. Therefore, it is important that whilst the hall should be large, it should not be too large, unless well-equipped with fetish unicycles, a brace of pogo-sticks, or some pole-vaulting equipment.

The village hall orgy management committee should also ensure that there be plenty of room for seating the audience in comfort too. Making sure that the audience seating is not too far away for them to able to appreciate some of the finer points of the action in such subtle orgy-related perversions as the Askance Mallard Duck and Compromised Newspaper Editor, especially when appreciating the finer points of the bowler’s fingering technique from across the other side of the orgy hall.

Wednesday, August 12, 2009

Official World Fondle A Friend Day

As you may have noticed, today I am wearing my besequined librarian-fondling hat and sheepskin fetish mittens. Yes, for today – for those of you who have not bothered to check your calendars, or for those of you who checked your colanders by mistake - is Official World Fondle A Friend Day, once again.

Yes, once again, it is time for us to all take to the streets early this afternoon, saunter up to a friend, or even slight acquaintance, wait momentarily for the officially-recognised nod of acquiescence, and then go about a fully-consensual fondle, all in the name of charity.

Of course, in this country, if you do perform the full governmentally-recognised pre-fondle check list. If, then, you discover that both your sponsorship forms are compatible then it may be in order for you to engage in a mutual fondle, providing – of course – that you have pre-booked your Official Government Mutual Fondle Inspector through the application form on the OffGrope website. It also goes without saying that you should only engage in those fondles that have been officially recognised by the government’s Fondle ‘Czar’, as meeting all the necessary equality and diversity requirements set out in the official compliance leaflet the government recently issued to every household in the country.

There are some who say, and I tend to agree with them, that this governmental involvement has turned - what was up until recently a largely self-regulated and rather relaxed event, undertaken, of course, in the holy name of charity - into another self-serving bureaucratic box-ticking tedious chore. As I said, I tend to agree with this point of view. However, there are some, including the recently-appointed government minister with special responsibility for mutually-consensual fondling, who point to the nearly impressive 0.0000003% drop in the number of unwanted fondle complaints received by the police in the 7 years since OffGrope has been in existence. There are others who say this is merely yet another attempt by various charities to cash in on the success of Worldwide Admire Your Own Genitals Day, in order to swell their already over-full coffers.

However, most people tend to ignore all this tedious pontificating and just - as I fully intend to do – get out there into the streets and have a damned good old-fashioned fully-consensual and mutually-satisfying fondle. I humbly suggest you all go out and do the same.

Tuesday, August 11, 2009

Shed-Based Perversions

No modern home, especially out here in the rural areas of England, is complete without some sort of outbuildings. Here in the countryside we have all manner of such constructions, from the mighty hairstylist sheds and hay barns right down to the lowliest of lawyer sties out near the swamp.

The urban and suburban dwellers sometimes may sometimes have a garage, but most do have a shed, or shed-like outbuilding. This is fortunate indeed, for what would modern life be like if there were no such thing as shed-based perversions. Even such basic dalliances as The lawnmower Intrusion or The Rake And Hoe would be rendered - at least - problematical without a shed.


The shed also contains many of the necessary ingredients for many other perversions, of course. No shed is complete without a large selection of wood off-cuts that ‘may come in handy someday’ a jar of assorted nails and a half-empty tin of creosote, which may bring a warm smile of recognition to many of you (both) gathered here, especially when combined with some part-used sandpaper and a suitable length of doweling.

Of course, the shed is very useful for storing the necessary items of equipment for the fully-perverted lifestyle, but it can also be pressed into service as a place of dalliance itself. Although, any large orgy of a dozen or more would probably be out of the question, unless you moved the various half-empty tins of paint slightly to the left, of course, as well as making sure that the watering can is within easy reach should the situation call for it. It may also entail leaving the shed door slightly ajar to enable slightly more elbowroom for the orgy participants, especially if partaking of some of the more advanced perversions that entail the use of the wheelbarrow and a section of trellising.

Friday, August 7, 2009

Deep-Sea Perversions Revisited

All-porpoise unguents and lubricants only really come into their own for deep-sea or ocean-going perversions, where for those particularly taken by the erotic possibilities found in bondage, an octopus or squid can be highly recommended. However, bondage experiments utilising jellyfish are not recommended, even for those experienced in deep-sea perversions.

As for those of you who prefer their perversions to be somewhat shallower, then – obviously – a snorkel and flippers would be advisable, as well as taking suitable precautions against crabs.


There are several on-board deep-sea perversions, many of them peculiar to the sailing fraternity, and a few more to peculiar sailors. Sailors are regarded as a breed apart, so one should always exercise due diligence if one offers you a chance to visit his scuppers, or offers to demonstrate his yardarm.

As for ‘all hands on deck’, this really comes into its own if there is sufficient rope to not only secure Dec himself, but enough to tie up Ant as well. This of course means making sure there are enough lead weights for the pair of them and a plank strong enough for them to walk on as well as a sufficient depth of water to make the whole exercise worthwhile.

However, once such nuisances are out of the way, there will be plenty of time for the ladies present to have a quick rummage through the sailor’s rigging and to hoist his spinnaker to a mutually satisfying degree, whilst – of course - making full use of the sextant.

Then when all the ladies on the voyage have decided they have had their fill of seamen it will be time to set course for home, where – if the ladies are recovered by then - they can direct the seamen into their harbour for one final time, before disembarking, leaving the sailors to replenish themselves at the seamen’s rest.

Thursday, August 6, 2009

The Necessities Of Alignment

The use of the compass to align one’s all-village orgy with the true (rather than the magnetic) north, is often a good way to ensure that the peaks on your lemon ménage are at optimum stiffness. Additionally, it is also a way of ensuring the sex weasels are not beyond their use-by date, without having to read the small print on the label on the underside of their left forepaw. This – as we all know – can be awkward if we do not want to relinquish the cake shop manageress before the umpire is blown for half-time, and you are obliged to change ends.


The use of the protractor too, is often necessary to make sure you have both the librarian and the assistant librarian placed at the correct angle before applying the custard to the rhubarb crumble in the all-important pre-second half of the third quarter of the open-air village green orgy.

Of course, no gentleman would consider attending any orgy without his 12-inch ruler, if only to check that the chocolate éclairs are of the required length for post-orgy cream cake consumption. It is advisable to have an up-to-date map - or if more technologically inclined a sat-nav – in order to locate the next putative partner on one’s orgy card. The search for one’s next partner, and/or partners, can then be undertaken without any of that awkwardly intrusive peering into the thick of the various forms of congress currently being undertaken in order to identify just who is doing what to whom, and with what devices and/or fetish gear.

If at the end of the evening you find yourself overcome, always issue precise instructions to the operator of the post-orgy wheelbarrow in order to make sure you arrive at your desired destination, and always remember to tip generously unless you want your next such homeward journey to end unceremoniously in the village duck pond.

Wednesday, August 5, 2009

Use Of the Barn

In the traditional British summer, it is often the case that the frequent drizzle gives way to actual rain. For those who do not wish to partake of fully-moistened perversions then it is advisable to gather all ones accoutrements together and repair to some place more suitable, and – hopefully – drier.


Traditionally, in the suburban and urban environments the bedroom has often been the location of choice in such an eventuality. However, those of us who reside in the country have often made more use of the barn. For not only does it provide plenty of straw, and - occasionally - several domesticated or semi-domesticated animals for those who appreciate an audience, it also has much more elbowroom. This larger area is ideal for the more expansive perversions up to and including a Full Goosing Down where, in the suburban bedroom, the wingspan can often be problematical, especially if the wingtips become entangled in the light fittings, or the occasional excessive resultant fluttering dislodges any ornaments from their usual resting places.

The barn is also – as its name implies – also ideal for Barn Perversions. These are, as any folklorist you are unfortunate to engage in conversation is bound to inform you – most probably at tedious length – are the forerunners of what later became known as the barn dances, ceilidh, or such similar events where a local community gets together to have social intercourse with each other. Obviously as the evening progresses, and the alcohol intakes increases, such intercourse is bound to get very social indeed right up to and including Fully-Consensual Hay-Baling, and then rounding off the evening with a quick game of Pitch-Forking The Member Of Parliament much to the satisfaction of everyone present*.


*except the MP, of course.

Tuesday, August 4, 2009

Post-Office Perversions

The disinclination of a gentleman’s ardour can sometimes become problematical, especially when the postmistress of all his desires is otherwise engaged in servicing the urgent needs of all the others that are queuing for her attentions. However, it is often the case that once half-day closing has been achieved the postmistress can go about re-establishing the full vigour of the gentleman’s ardour, even if it does mean resorting to the use of bubble wrap and packing tape, or – if all else fails – the erotic over-stimulation of the Jiffy Bag.


Of course, the many other rural post office perversions have – in recent times – suffered some rather serious cutbacks, with many services formerly provided by the post office now taking place online there is dwindling demand for such dalliances as the Car Tax Disenchantment, Fully-Consensual Mutual Stamp Licking, Parcel Tape Bondage or, even, the Pensioner’s Relief.

However, this, by no means, implies that the traditional British queue-based perversions are dying out. In fact, the opposite is often the case with many more queue-oriented undertakings such as The Quick Poke In The Back and The Shuffle And Prod now more popular than ever, especially when queuing at the village hall door for the weekly Saturday night all-village orgy.

There are now even some queue-based perversions from WWII-era rationing queues as, for example, The Fully-Consensual Ration Book Perusal coming back into fashion, mainly through the contemporary interest in what can be learnt from the years of austerity that can be applied to today’s more straightened circumstances. Of course, it goes without saying, although I will say it anyway, than once your circumstances have straightened to the requisite amount, your Postmistress will be more than pleased to accommodate you in a very fitting manner indeed.

Monday, August 3, 2009

Allotment Perversions – A Primer

For those of you who like to make use of your dibber and hoe, there is chance aplenty to get much more out of it by getting involved in allotment perversions. For those that enjoy a courgette, or - in more advanced situations - a marrow, apparently there is nothing quite like taking yourself in hand to grow your own. Our own postmistress, Labia Entanglements, recommends growing-your-own most heartily, saying how much satisfaction she has received from her own home-grown cucumbers.


For fruit and vegetable related perversions there is – apparently – nothing quite like using your own hand-reared produce for The Lincolnshire Melon Co-respondent, The Radish Repetition, A Cauliflower Deflowering, or even A Lettuce Have-A-Go. All in the manner our forebears must have enjoyed when home-grown produce was really the only option for such rural perversions, except those involving sheep and near-relatives, of course.

Of course, most – if not all – allotment-based perversions do mean that you will have to make full use of your wellies and watering can too. So, please, before beginning make sure they can all stand up to the inevitable deprecations they will encounter, especially during such allotment-based perversions as The Smallholding And Cabbage patch Full Beetroot Reverse, which can take a lot out of your dibber, especially after introducing the hoe. Please also ensure that all participants have enjoyed a full mulching beforehand, to ease the entry of the carrots into the proceedings, especially if the vicar has brought along any campanologists who may be a little too timid - at first - to get their bells out in mixed company.