Friday, August 7, 2009

Deep-Sea Perversions Revisited

All-porpoise unguents and lubricants only really come into their own for deep-sea or ocean-going perversions, where for those particularly taken by the erotic possibilities found in bondage, an octopus or squid can be highly recommended. However, bondage experiments utilising jellyfish are not recommended, even for those experienced in deep-sea perversions.

As for those of you who prefer their perversions to be somewhat shallower, then – obviously – a snorkel and flippers would be advisable, as well as taking suitable precautions against crabs.


There are several on-board deep-sea perversions, many of them peculiar to the sailing fraternity, and a few more to peculiar sailors. Sailors are regarded as a breed apart, so one should always exercise due diligence if one offers you a chance to visit his scuppers, or offers to demonstrate his yardarm.

As for ‘all hands on deck’, this really comes into its own if there is sufficient rope to not only secure Dec himself, but enough to tie up Ant as well. This of course means making sure there are enough lead weights for the pair of them and a plank strong enough for them to walk on as well as a sufficient depth of water to make the whole exercise worthwhile.

However, once such nuisances are out of the way, there will be plenty of time for the ladies present to have a quick rummage through the sailor’s rigging and to hoist his spinnaker to a mutually satisfying degree, whilst – of course - making full use of the sextant.

Then when all the ladies on the voyage have decided they have had their fill of seamen it will be time to set course for home, where – if the ladies are recovered by then - they can direct the seamen into their harbour for one final time, before disembarking, leaving the sailors to replenish themselves at the seamen’s rest.

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