Wednesday, August 26, 2009

Inter-Village Orgies And The Offside Rule

Once the postmistress has the melon firmly grasped between her knees, and you have your brace of sex spatulas fully calibrated and ready for manipulation, then the librarian is free to release the chicken, providing of course you are all wearing the vital shin-pads, and do not have any picture postcards of Scarborough on or about your person.


If however, your person is found to be harbouring any surreptitious postcards of any British costal resorts about themselves, then the umpire is quite within the rules, to demand that you lose possession of the goose. Then your entire team has to withdraw back to your own ten-yard line to await the opposition’s positioning of the salad dressing in preparation for their free fondle.

This – as you are more than likely – well aware, is quite a subtle rewrite of the traditional offside rule by the International Federation of Inter-Village Orgies (IFIVO).

The federation is – to my mind, quite rightly – concerned of the increasing use of certain tactics by – it must be said, often Continental - teams in order to gain a tactical advantage by manipulating the spirit of the offside rule.

It is often quite simple for the opposition side’s rear fondlers, to creep up away from their goal line whilst the librarian is preparing to release the chicken, without the attacking side’s forwards having the chance to retreat behind the goose. If this takes place before the referee gets blown by the umpire for the release of the chicken, consequently it leaves all the attacking forwards exposing themselves to the opposition’s defensive fondlers.

Obviously, this means that any advanced placing of the devices by the attacking side is thwarted before they have a chance to even surprise the chicken. This is – many of us believe – a direct contravention of the spirit of inter-village orgiastics and should therefore be resisted with all the powers at our disposal, up to and including blackmail.

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