Thursday, August 6, 2009

The Necessities Of Alignment

The use of the compass to align one’s all-village orgy with the true (rather than the magnetic) north, is often a good way to ensure that the peaks on your lemon ménage are at optimum stiffness. Additionally, it is also a way of ensuring the sex weasels are not beyond their use-by date, without having to read the small print on the label on the underside of their left forepaw. This – as we all know – can be awkward if we do not want to relinquish the cake shop manageress before the umpire is blown for half-time, and you are obliged to change ends.


The use of the protractor too, is often necessary to make sure you have both the librarian and the assistant librarian placed at the correct angle before applying the custard to the rhubarb crumble in the all-important pre-second half of the third quarter of the open-air village green orgy.

Of course, no gentleman would consider attending any orgy without his 12-inch ruler, if only to check that the chocolate éclairs are of the required length for post-orgy cream cake consumption. It is advisable to have an up-to-date map - or if more technologically inclined a sat-nav – in order to locate the next putative partner on one’s orgy card. The search for one’s next partner, and/or partners, can then be undertaken without any of that awkwardly intrusive peering into the thick of the various forms of congress currently being undertaken in order to identify just who is doing what to whom, and with what devices and/or fetish gear.

If at the end of the evening you find yourself overcome, always issue precise instructions to the operator of the post-orgy wheelbarrow in order to make sure you arrive at your desired destination, and always remember to tip generously unless you want your next such homeward journey to end unceremoniously in the village duck pond.

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