As you may have noticed, today I am wearing my besequined librarian-fondling hat and sheepskin fetish mittens. Yes, for today – for those of you who have not bothered to check your calendars, or for those of you who checked your colanders by mistake - is Official World Fondle A Friend Day, once again.
Yes, once again, it is time for us to all take to the streets early this afternoon, saunter up to a friend, or even slight acquaintance, wait momentarily for the officially-recognised nod of acquiescence, and then go about a fully-consensual fondle, all in the name of charity.
Of course, in this country, if you do perform the full governmentally-recognised pre-fondle check list. If, then, you discover that both your sponsorship forms are compatible then it may be in order for you to engage in a mutual fondle, providing – of course – that you have pre-booked your Official Government Mutual Fondle Inspector through the application form on the OffGrope website. It also goes without saying that you should only engage in those fondles that have been officially recognised by the government’s Fondle ‘Czar’, as meeting all the necessary equality and diversity requirements set out in the official compliance leaflet the government recently issued to every household in the country.
There are some who say, and I tend to agree with them, that this governmental involvement has turned - what was up until recently a largely self-regulated and rather relaxed event, undertaken, of course, in the holy name of charity - into another self-serving bureaucratic box-ticking tedious chore. As I said, I tend to agree with this point of view. However, there are some, including the recently-appointed government minister with special responsibility for mutually-consensual fondling, who point to the nearly impressive 0.0000003% drop in the number of unwanted fondle complaints received by the police in the 7 years since OffGrope has been in existence. There are others who say this is merely yet another attempt by various charities to cash in on the success of Worldwide Admire Your Own Genitals Day, in order to swell their already over-full coffers.
However, most people tend to ignore all this tedious pontificating and just - as I fully intend to do – get out there into the streets and have a damned good old-fashioned fully-consensual and mutually-satisfying fondle. I humbly suggest you all go out and do the same.