Tuesday, August 4, 2009

Post-Office Perversions

The disinclination of a gentleman’s ardour can sometimes become problematical, especially when the postmistress of all his desires is otherwise engaged in servicing the urgent needs of all the others that are queuing for her attentions. However, it is often the case that once half-day closing has been achieved the postmistress can go about re-establishing the full vigour of the gentleman’s ardour, even if it does mean resorting to the use of bubble wrap and packing tape, or – if all else fails – the erotic over-stimulation of the Jiffy Bag.

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Of course, the many other rural post office perversions have – in recent times – suffered some rather serious cutbacks, with many services formerly provided by the post office now taking place online there is dwindling demand for such dalliances as the Car Tax Disenchantment, Fully-Consensual Mutual Stamp Licking, Parcel Tape Bondage or, even, the Pensioner’s Relief.

However, this, by no means, implies that the traditional British queue-based perversions are dying out. In fact, the opposite is often the case with many more queue-oriented undertakings such as The Quick Poke In The Back and The Shuffle And Prod now more popular than ever, especially when queuing at the village hall door for the weekly Saturday night all-village orgy.

There are now even some queue-based perversions from WWII-era rationing queues as, for example, The Fully-Consensual Ration Book Perusal coming back into fashion, mainly through the contemporary interest in what can be learnt from the years of austerity that can be applied to today’s more straightened circumstances. Of course, it goes without saying, although I will say it anyway, than once your circumstances have straightened to the requisite amount, your Postmistress will be more than pleased to accommodate you in a very fitting manner indeed.

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