The use of the Pineapple Inquiry should quite obviously be restricted for those for whom normal human intercourse has become problematical, such as politicians, journalists and – of course – estate agents. This is especially true if, for some reason, the aforesaid have not even managed to come up to the low standards of probity, straightforwardness and honesty normally expected of them*.
There are times too when you may have to make use of a small woodland creature in a way not usually found in nature. I am here talking of those times, and I feel I can speak frankly here as we are all adults, each with an adult’s ability to giggle in an uncontrollably childish way at the rude and naughty, when one may feel an almost overwhelming need to share one’s personal stamp collection with a dormouse.
Of course, I hasten to add, I have never felt the need personally to engage in fully-consensual philately with a small woodland mammal, but – and let’s be honest here - many of you (both) gathered here have.
Sharing one’s hobbies with small mammals has a long, if rather ignoble, history in this land of ours. After all, even the Venerable Bede himself liked to press wild flowers whilst in the company of a special fallow deer he called Stephen.
*i.e. none at all.