‘However, should the pumpkin fail to ignite the latent desires of your supermarket cashier, you may have to consider rewiring the parakeets in series rather than parallel. This, of course, means that the main course ought to be something fish-based, providing all the guests at your orgy have remembered to bring their perversion racquets.’
No doubt none of you (both) gathered here today to peruse the outpourings of my organ will fail to recognise those words from that classic of the Perverteer’s art, Doris Smith’s How To Be Rude And Naughty. Doris Smith is, of course, the most famous writer and broadcaster on the art of perversion in the UK today. Her books constantly top the best seller charts, he TV programmes are always amongst the most watch on TV and her DVDs easily outsell any other instructional videos.
It was said that during her last TV series, Doris Smith’s Homemade Orgies, nearly every British supermarket completely sold out of sex spatulas and stoat-tensing cues the day after Smith’s programme demonstrating their uses was first aired. She is also said to be responsible for the incredible amount of badger spleen oil sold over the counter within the UK, easily outstripping* the rest of the EU.
*The use of badger spleen oil for outdoor striptease is another of Doris Smith’s favourite uses for this the most versatile of the erotic oils.