Wednesday, October 21, 2009

A Fully-Qualified Perversion Inspector Calls

Of course, it sometimes happens that in one of the nearby villages something out of the perverse happens. In such cases, they have no choice but to call in a Fully-Qualified Perversion Inspector to investigate the occurrence, and – if necessary – bring the perpetrators to justice, or what remains of justice in this once great land.

In the past, each village would have its own Fully-Qualified Perversion Inspector, a familiar figure alongside the village bobby, vicar or village idiot (latterly replaced by the local Member of Parliament, of course), who could be called upon at any time of the day or night to help deal with any perversion-related incident that may have arisen. Anything from a suspected use of un-calibrated sex spatulas in a built-up area to the use of an unlicensed airship for erotic purposes (or, as in one notorious case, erotic porpoises), fell under the remit of the ‘Perversions Man’.

These days, though, thanks mainly to the influence of the EU, it is more of a bureaucratic calling, making sure that the weasel unguents are correctly labelled, that the melons are to a metric standard and that the cucumbers are as straight as possible and that all the cream cakes are compliant with EU standards.

However, there are times when it is a bit like the old days, the Perversion Inspector fighting the battle for truth, justice and just the requisite amounts of moistness concomitant with an enthralling evening’s light perversion*.


*Or, if any dark perversions are to be undertaken it is the perversion Inspector’s job to make sure that all participants are wearing high visibility tabards and have a fully-functioning torch.

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