Friday, October 9, 2009

Grand Uncle Stagnant – The Early Years


Whilst it is true that all the gentlemen in the village of Little Frigging do all boast a more than averagely well-filled trouser, Grand Uncle Stagnant stands well out to the forefront, compared to most of the others in the village, in his being far more than well-blessed in the gentleman’s region.

Back in his heyday, Grand Uncle Stagnant was all set to become the United Kingdom’s Olympic gold medal wining hope in the pole vault. That was until the day he was disqualified when they discovered he was not using a pole.

Distraught at being dropped from the Olympic squad, Grand Uncle Stagnant went abroad where, for a time (or two) he found work as a gondolier in Venice. Even there, though, they hounded out of his job when the men who hired out Grand Uncle Stagnant’s gondola for the evening discovered their romantic partner could not take her eyes off Grand Uncle Stagnant as he languidly wielded his huge pole with long slow strokes in order to propel the gondola down the canals.

After leaving Venice, Grand Uncle Stagnant set off on his adventures, pausing briefly in Paris to work as a model for Gustave Eiffel, who was busy working on his latest public monument for the city centennial celebration of the French Revolution.

Later he moved back to Britain, where he inspired a similar tower in the seaside resort of Blackpool. However, he had to leave that place in somewhat of a hurry after the donkeys on the beach became far too antagonistic towards him for making them feel inferior.

After his sterling service in the service of his country during the war, Grand Uncle Stagnant, returned to Little Frigging In The Wold to a hero’s welcome. Which, rumour had it, left several of the ladies of the village in a state of near exhaustion, and that was before he was even fully demobbed.

After that Grand Uncle Stagnant became a familiar sight in the village as he strode around doing odd jobs for whichever ladies of the village needed something seeing to which their husbands, and other menfolk, just had not got the tool for. And there he has remained to this day; always ready to put himself out for any lady that requests his assistance.

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