Wednesday, October 7, 2009

The Special Relativity Of Grand Uncle Stagnant

Of course, whilst out on field perversions it is sometimes vital that you are able to find true north using only a naked postmistress and a small punnet of raspberries. This is easy enough to do for anyone with even the shakiest grasp of field perversions, so obviously I will not speak any more of it, except to remind you to always place the raspberries downwind of any nearby gorse bushes, otherwise you could have a very disgruntled postmistress on your hands. While in another other circumstances there is a lot to be said for having a naked postmistress on yours hands, a disgruntled one is far from ideal.


Having said that, though, the use of the cream horn to entice a bevy of stable girls into the more intriguing nooks and crannies of your smallholding should not be undertaken lightly, especially if the nature of your putative dalliance will do anything to perturb any domesticated animals, or even semi-domesticated relatives.

In this case, I am – obviously – thinking of Grand Uncle Stagnant for whom the mere thought of a bevy of stable girls disporting themselves in a wanton manner is enough to cause serious distortion of the space-time continuum about his nether regions. Here we come across an instance of Einstein’s Theory of Special Relativity, namely that the distortion of space-time around any relative by marriage is bound to have repercussions for your own bodily integrity – but only if the wife finds out about it.

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