There is great excitement in Little Frigging this week as the auditions for the Upper Thyghspredder rounds of the TV talent show Britain’s Got Perversions are about to take place in the Much Piddling village hall over the next few evenings. For those of you not familiar with the show, it is a chance for some of Britain’s amateur perverts to exhibit their deviances in front of a massive TV audience. Where, if they get the votes from both the panel of expert perverts and from the viewing public go through to the next rounds, and ultimately the final in later episodes of the series.
As a proudly upstanding pervert and as professor of Theoretical and Applied Orgiastics at the University of Little Frigging I have, quite naturally, been made head judge for the programme. The second judge is, it almost goes without saying, our very own Little Frigging postmistress, Labia Entanglements, whose name is almost synonymous with the practical application of the perverted arts and sciences wherever they are undertaken. The third judge is Poppy Widdershins, the infamous celebrity sexual deviant, whose exploits with various rugby teams, both amateur and professional, have been the stuff of several tabloid exposes, a series of very lucrative and explicit DVDs and a very successful brand of cheese-flavoured potato snacks.