Monday, November 30, 2009

Little-Frigging-In-The-Wold Village School

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A Brief Visit.

'Now then, now then. Settle down at the back. Remember, it is your time, not mine, you are wasting. Right, are we all settled down, now. Good.'

'Deferens…! Vas Deferens! Put it away boy. She doesn't want to play with it now.'

'No, she doesn't.'

'No, you don't, Verruca…. Because I said so! You ought to, at least, go and wash your hands, now.'

'Because, Verruca, you don't know where it has been, that's why.'

'Oh… well, maybe you do know where it has been. But I'm quite sure the rest of us need to know… at least in not quite such graphic detail, anyway.'

'Come on, now. All of you... settle down. You have your A-Level Sexual Perversions and Deviations exams in a few weeks, and it is about time you all did at least some revision.'

'Yes, and especially for the oral paper… and - maybe - the practical too.'

'Now, did you all remember to bring your sexual aids?'

'Good. Good!'

'Splodge Emission! I thought it was all too good to be true. Well… what is your excuse this time?'

'Oh, how original. Your dog bit it…. Well, haven't you got a puncture repair kit at home?'

'Membranes! Don't do that…. Because the batteries will run out before we even start…. See? I don't suppose you brought any spares, did you? Well… here you can borrow some of mine. But remember to hand them back at the end of the lesson.'

'Now, we can beg….'

'What the fu!'

'Yes, Excrescence, I know it is the fire alarm, thank you. Right everyone. Calmly. Slowly. Pack everything away and line up by the door.'

'Slowly…. Right, follow me out to the Lower Orgy Field. Come on…. And walk... don't run.'

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