Tuesday, November 10, 2009

On The Use Of the Sex Implements & Utensils

Placing the cheeseburgers next to the postmistress has never been easier. Since Splodge & Sons (Purveyors of Marital and Sexual aids to the gentry since 1789) first announced they were working on a prototype set of sex tongs, we in the perverted community have all been more than a little eager to get our fetish mittens on them.

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For too long now, one has had to often use home-made devices and implements for the placing of items, foodstuffs and even various parts of the body (one’s own, or those of other participants) in the correct positionings for orgiastic purposes.

This has, as you are no doubt well aware, meant that certain items are not at their most pristine when utilised heavily in an orgy situation. It is well known amongst the orgiastically-inclined, for instance, that a cream horn cannot stand too rough a treatment if it is going to retain its cream right up to the climax of the proceedings. Not only that, many ladies have had to decry the state of their baps after possibly too rough a handling during the Ladies Excuse Me or if they have been on the receiving end of an overzealous outpouring during The Gentlemen’s Relish.

Historically, of course, this sort of situation has often been cited as the main reason why the sex spatula was first introduced to the orgy by the Romans, who were notorious for their desire to always behave in the most civilised way possible at such times and is – of course – yet another thing for which we have to thank the Romans.

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