Thursday, December 10, 2009

Crime Wave

It is with sorrow, some trepidation, and a slight itch above the left ankle, that I reveal that there has been a serious outbreak of crime in Little-Frigging-In-The-Wold.

Our local policeman, PC Ghonnemadd, revealed the full depth of this criminal depravity yesterday evening at the village council meeting (fortunately, after we had fully digested our cream cakes and completely recovered from Miss Entanglements full executive massage and hand relief).

Apparently, according to PC Ghonnemadd, thanks to their benign and benevolent wisdom, our magnificent national government has recently enacted some new, far stricter, laws. Consequently, it is now - apparently - against the law to make derogatory or disparaging remarks about a person's sex, ethnic make-up, religion, political affiliation, sexual proclivities (including fetishes and/or kinks), and - most importantly - their choice of knitwear.

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So, it came to PC Ghonnemadd's attention (through intelligence sources he refused to reveal or compromise) that certain members of the Little-Frigging-In-The-Wold's Inter-Village Sexual Deviations team had been making derogatory remarks about the choice of knitwear favoured by our very own Colonel Fitz-Tightly during the recent unseasonable cold snap.

'Not only,' continued PC Ghonnemadd, 'was the knitwear item in question a Christmas present from an elderly, and well-off, relative, it was also - in my professional opinion - a rather tasteful design, featuring fully consensual acts of an intimate nature between Santa Claus, his elves and a brace of rather fetching reindeer.'

So, after some heated debate, and a salutary reminder from the Colonel himself that he is always the major donor to our annual Christmas Eve All-Village Orgy fund, it was unanimously decided that we - as the village council - will take the extraordinary step of placing a notice on the Village Hall Notice Board. This message will convey the council's strong disapproval of such remarks, and, additionally, carry a request that all villagers think very carefully before making such statements, lest they wish to suffer the full brunt of the law.

We hope that such resolute and prompt action will nip this outbreak of anarchic lawlessness before it takes too strong a hold and the whole fabric of our lives is torn asunder. As our glorious Prime Minister, and his erstwhile minions, have so recently opined, free speech is a great tradition of this noble country, and one of the bulwarks against tyranny and oppression, so we should make sure that we do not act irresponsibly by actually trying to use it.

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