Tuesday, December 22, 2009

Master of Applied Perversions Certificate

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So, if you put the table tennis bats away, I will unlock the handcuffs binding the quantity-surveyor to the shopping trolley and I’ll also make sure all the tops are securely fastened on the containers of badger and weasel unguents. If you could also put the sexual-arousal spatulas back in the sex utensil drawer, that would be a big help too, thank you.

All in all, not a bad little session, but I feel you do need to take more account of the prevailing wind direction if you want to apply for your Master of Applied Perversions certificate any time in the near future. It is all well and good making sure the small furry mammals are well-lubricated, and the consensual adult is fully restrained, but you must be certain of it before you begin to read selections from the mail order catalogue of your choice out loud to the quantity-surveyor.

Although, it is usually the case that a detailed in-depth listing of desirable consumer items is enough to get most people aroused, you must remember that not everyone in a modern consumer economy is automatically sexually stimulated by the promise of incipient satiation of their consumerist needs. Therefore, it is always advisable to have fresh batteries in the devices – and a freshly-oiled fireman on stand-by – just in case.

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