Friday, July 31, 2009

The Morris Perversions

The Postlethwaite Dalliance is – as you probably know one of the oldest recorded of the so-called Morris perversions. No folk historian is really quite sure which came first, Morris Dancing or the Morris Perversions, whether one grew out of the other, or whether they grew up side by side. Although, if the later was the case then the Morris dancers would have to be very aware of what was going on beside them as one errant step could play havoc with the Morris-based perversions happening right next to them with the obvious possibility of dire consequences for the state of the half time cream cakes.

Of course the historical record does show that such Morris perversions as the Ladies Underarm Dispersement And Curtsey was a common enough Morris perversion as far back as the Middle-Ages, with references to it in both Shakespeare and Chaucer. Shakespeare himself would have course, as a country boy, been very familiar with rural perversions, as some of the titles of his plays suggest: Measure for Measure, As You Like it and of course, most obviously, Antony and Cleopatra. The latter, of course, being one of the most popular of the woodland perversions of the time, utilising both a badger and a mandolin, as well as – in medieval times - a scrivener to hold the shin pads.

Nowadays the Morris perversions, especially since the days of the Marina, fell into disuse before the beginning of the modern Dogging era, ironically, when the estate version would have come into its own. Although, there have been some attempts to revitalise the old Morris perversions through the use of the Land Rover Discovery. However, this has proved somewhat awkward in more urban environments, where parking for orgiastic purposes is severely restricted, especially on main roads during peak hours, it has, though, proved very popular with country folk who find it ideal for their hunting, shooting and shagging lifestyles.

Thursday, July 30, 2009

The Wheelbarrows Of Perversion

Of course, it is not necessary to keep the post-orgy wheelbarrows solely for taking home those that have found themselves overcome by the end of the evening’s activities. For there are many garden-related perversions that can easily be adapted for the village hall orgy, except, perhaps, not the Forced Rhubarb Undertaking which is best left for those that are more familiar with a good mulching.

 

Initially the wheelbarrows can not only be used to transport certain garden fetish and perversion accessories to the village hall, such as trellising, patio furniture and – of course – not forgetting the essential bird table, vital for such garden perversions as the Great Tit Extravaganza and the Woodpecker Surprise.

During the village hall orgy itself, the wheelbarrow can be vital for delivering urgent quantities of oils, unguents and lubricants across the hall to wherever there is an urgent call for them. The wheelbarrow can be utilised as well for transporting several of the devices to and from the dildo rail to wherever they too are needed most. Especially when they are needed immediately to allow someone to come to a successful conclusion, or, if there is a sudden emergency, such as a postmistress needing full satiation before your cream horn suffers an outburst under the pressure, thus ruining the half-time break tea and cakes.

It can be seen therefore that at least a brace of wheelbarrows should be available for the entire evening’s proceedings at every village hall orgy. Most villages like to club together and buy their own bespoke orgy wheelbarrows from their Village Orgies funds, perhaps even through a Bring & Come Sale organised specifically to raise such funds usually from the excellent Splodge & Sons (Purveyors of Marital and Sexual aids to the gentry since 1789) catalogue.

Wednesday, July 29, 2009

French Inter-Village Orgy Tour

The very weasels of our anticipation are all atremble with the prospect of next weekend’s encounter between the currently on-form Little Frigging Inter-village Orgy squad and the leading French side Languedoc Zut Alors, as they continue their English tour. In their last match a thrilling, 17 points, 3 penalty fondles and an under-whelmed mallard duck each, draw against Titten-Growper last week, we saw some of the finest examples of the much more languid French approach to competitive orgiastics. Where, for example, applying the melon to an assistant librarian can take up to half of a match quarter with their use of the slow build-up towards the use of the long fondle.

 

Of course, this does not mean that they in any way outclass the traditional English approach of lobbing the devices up to the forwards at every opportunity. There is a lot to be said for the more direct Anglo-Saxon method of making sure the chicken gets a regular surprise as well as making sure the midfield quarter-halfbacks are always well-lubricated.

The French, however, have traditionally made much use of the surprise baguette and onion string in their encounters with the postmistress near the halfway line, which could - in some competitive orgies - leave the flanks of the centre rear fondlers exposed to a sudden inquiry from the wingers.

Traditionally, the French have always made much more use of the bicyclist in their Inter-Village orgy squad. This is often in a role that seems to combine both the fetish unicycle and pogo stick roles usually performed by both wing backtofronts in a traditional English village team, with each staying much on their own side of the orgy field, leaving room in the centre of the pitch for a much more accurate placement of the marrow.

There is also the problem of the traditional French fetish beret, which often leaves a traditionally-garbed English village orgy team with nowhere suitable to apply the cucumber sandwiches until – at least – the first penalty grope is awarded for using the fetish beret in an offside position. However, we have developed a few surprise tactics of our own to counter the French berets, especially early on before the centre gropers become over-lubricated by the French team’s over-reliance on salad oils. So, we will have to just wait and see how the match plays out.

Tuesday, July 28, 2009

The Placement Of The Cheeseboard

Of course, it was Albert Einstein’s General Theory of Relativity in 1916 that first led people to begin questioning the placement of the cheeseboard for the post-village hall orgy snacks. The – up until then – Newtonian model of the village hall orgy had meant placing the cheese board close to the slices of pork pie and away from the various pickles.

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However, Einstein’s subtler understand of the nature of gravity meant that it became apparent that some of the large pickled onions could have some unwanted gravitational influence over the cheeses, especially those such as Brie or – even Camembert – that lack the mass to counter such effects.

Obviously, the post orgy snacks, especially the cheeseboard, are not the only objects within the village hall orgy context to suffer unwarranted gravitational artefacts and/or effects, as those of us who have got slightly too close to an overly-rotund bank manager, or over-endowed chiropodist, can attest. This is especially noticeable when one is trying to manoeuvre the fetish unicycle between two or more attendees somewhat over-blessed in their physical presence. For who amongst us has not witnessed the phenomenon of the larger person’s gravitational field when they are put in front of a buffet and the way thy seem to attract all the food towards themselves, just through the power of their own integral gravitational field. This is especially true in the case of pies – as Einstein noticed in his description of special relativity, when he witnessed his uncle packing away all the pies at a cousin’s wedding reception.

Monday, July 27, 2009

Sports-based Perversions

For those who like to keep themselves fit, the perverted lifestyle offers many advantages over the more mundane existences of many other less… er… experimental folk. From even the most simple of exertions, say a daily workout using all the available perversion apparatus and fetish exercises available in even the most modestly-equipped village hall right up to some of the sports-based perversions, the perverted lifestyle is an excellent way of keeping fit and healthy.

From such straightforward sports such as football, one can master the rudiments of ball control. The use of the wicket keeping gloves in an erotic context can be gathered from even the briefest acquaintance with the game of cricket. The best methods of wielding a brace of sex weasel racquets can be learnt from tennis. The rugby scrum can provide many invaluable lessons for use in a village hall orgy context. Even the use of the nibblet and mashie in golf and the importance of wearing the correct flippers when swimming, shows that every sport, and tennis, can be used to enhance once enjoyment of, and participation in, the perverted arts and sciences.

Of course, the most obvious sports-related aid to the perverted arts is – it almost goes without saying – the use of the offside rule from football. There is – it seems - hardly a village orgy in the land that does not, at some point in the proceedings, have recourse to this finely-honed piece of sports legislation, especially if it is deemed that the postmistress was not interfering in the course of play when applying the lemon ménage to a brace of under-gardeners in the vestibule.

Therefore any putative or even well-seasoned (especially with a vinaigrette dressing) pervert should not dismiss sport as an irrelevance to the perverted arts and sciences. Do not allow any P.E.-related trauma from your schooldays, or even any unwarranted espying of Jimmy Hill during an erotic encounter, to put you off. For as Maureen, my good lady wife attests, there is nothing quite so invigorating as sharing a post-match bath with one’s local rugby team, especially when helping to search for the soap.

Friday, July 24, 2009

The Fetish Periscope

The fetish periscope is – of course – quite a useful addition to the orgy-goers perversion utility belt. For there are – for example – many times when one is underneath one’s fellow orgy-partners and it becomes vital to know the state of readiness of the half-time snacks, or whether certain devices have now been returned to the dildo rail.

 

However, full utilisation of the fetish periscope does presuppose free movement of the elbows, which may not always be possible, or even polite, in some heavily-attended orgy situations. Hence the naval tradition, based on the pre-war village-orgy practice, of the submarine captain removing or reversing his cap as a signal he was about to make use of the periscope. However, current practical orgy guidelines do tend to discourage the exclamation of ‘Up Periscope!’ in an orgy context as it can often be misinterpreted by the other orgy practitioners, if it occurs at a moment when their attention is directed elsewhere.

The use of personal body wing-mirrors however, despite their brief period in fashion during the late 1980s, are not really recommended for most village hall orgy situations, especially when, as before, elbow-room is limited. For although there is no doubt as to their utility, especially for situations where rear entry positions are more practicable (such as the Floorpolisher’s Surprise, the Sudden Contact Lens Discovery and the Dropped Soap Fandango), they can make sudden changes of direction hazardous to other participants, as well as lead to some rather awkward revelations.

In short, then (sorry must be the cooler than average weather), always please exercise caution in a village hall orgy context and be always aware of what repercussions you actions can have on the other attendees gathered there.

Thursday, July 23, 2009

Vegetable-Related Perversions

Once you have fully recalibrated your bank manager and checked that the postmistress is fully up to temperature, you can see if the radishes have been prepared. Of course, most vegetable-related perversions such as The Twist And Sprout, The Pea-Pod Dalliance, The Lettuce Undertaking and – of course – The Corn Cob Surprise are most often utilised in a village orgy context, especially when both the red and green peppers have been sliced by a naked assistant librarian.

 

Sometimes, however, they can be used in more formal occasions such as the full evening undress orgy, for example, the annual dinner, dance and orgy of The Great And Noble High Order Of The Wallaby Grouters. In such case, though, it should always be assumed that the cucumbers will arrive at the orgy table on silver salvers and one should always make a point of using the utensils provided for the purpose, especially if one is about to engage in an intimate act with minor royalty, where tongs are – naturally - obligatory.

Of course, the vegetables used in any vegetable-relate perversion, kink or deviation should always be of the highest quality and as fresh as possible (except for – quite obviously The Frozen Pea Besmirchment, but even then you should pick only the most well-seasoned social worker for the all-important wearing of the wicketkeeper’s gloves during the intermission).

Wednesday, July 22, 2009

Mid-Air Perversions

Under-lubrication of the crevices can, of course, lead to friction burns and other unwanted side-effects. So, for this reason it makes sense to always make sure that your sex weasels are fully-lubricated before you attempt to deploy the parachute.


However, having said that, it often seems as though mid-air perversions can be too short-lived for any serious chafing, or similar injury, to take place. Although, it is always a good idea to keep at least some attention on the ground, and how rapidly it is approaching, before landing, as, by way of example, landing in a bramble thicket is not recommended. This is especially true if one is engaged in fully-nude, or even partially-nude, perversions, or if the elk is somewhat skittish at the higher altitudes necessary for the more elaborate airborne perversions, especially those utilising the ladle and the chocolate sauce.

Freefall foreplay can sometimes be problematical too, particularly if the rate of decent tends to make the tutu too cumbersome to handle whilst still keeping a firm grasp on the vicar and the campanologist, especially if holding him by the bells.

So, whilst in most other cases, a liberal coating of the unguents (or even a liberal coated in unguents if politically-correct perversions are your sort of thing) is recommended, as - in these situations - it is often best to err on the side of caution.



Tuesday, July 21, 2009

Suburban Perversions

Those of you who reside in more suburban areas may tend to partake of some of the less rural perversions. For example, there are in this great country of ours many devoted practitioners of garden perversions such as Full-Frontal Trellising, Group Patio-Laying and The Basting A Shop Assistant With Barbeque Sauce. There are many denizens of the suburbs who, when the longer summer evenings come, around enjoy a bask in the herbaceous borders with an assistant librarian or who even – should the prevailing winds allow – enjoy quick mixed dip in a paddling pool filled with lukewarm custard, before a vigorous towelling off with the veterinary assistant of their choice.

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Of course, in many suburban or, even, urban gardens the easy availability of wheelbarrows makes the garden orgy much more popular than they used to be, especially now that patio heaters are much more commonplace. Now that most barbecue set also include sex spatulas and fetish mittens there are opportunities for some city dwellers to engage in perversions that were in days of yore mainly confined to the landed gentry. Even such deviations as the now infamous Squire And Scullery-Maid, or The Butler’s Excuse-Me, or – possibly - even utilising a watermelon in a way that would have been regarded as completely beyond the pale in the days before local government re-organisations of the 1970s, are now all much more commonplace in our city and suburban garden orgies.

All in all then, there is much to commend the garden orgy to the putative suburban or urban pervert, providing – of course – the gentleman exercises caution around the barbecuing sausages and the lady is careful where she places her baps.

Monday, July 20, 2009

Is Perversion An Art Or A Science?

Placing the chocolate éclair precisely on the cusp of the assistant librarian, no matter whether she is perfectly-bound or not, is often - to a large extent a matter of artistic interpretation, rather than an exact science.

Bertrand RussellPrincipia Naughtyathica (Introduction).

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Now, I’m sure that the above is something all of you (both) gathered here to peruse my organ have often considered. For, it is a question, is it not, whether the perverted arts are as much a science as they are an art? For in a sense doesn’t the constant refinement of technique; i.e. the best way to butter a llama, the precise compass bearing in which to place your manacled traffic warden and the particular temperature of your custard before you introduce the cross-dressed supply geography teacher to it, all depend on repeated experimentation and observation?

Occasionally, in my experience, it seems that seating one’s suitably lubricated and oiled postmistress in the tupping harnesses is often a matter of accurate alignment and careful adjustment. Usually in order to make sure that she is in the optimum position for the commencement of the perverse arts and practices whilst at the same time being able to continue her knitting unhindered, especially when the weasels are coming up to full speed.

However, on the other hand, there is an art to knowing just when to lasso the assistant librarian before she starts to index your monographs, or even before she considers what forfeit is necessary should you become overdue.

It is very much an art too to know when it is time for the cream cakes to be introduced to the orgy participants. Too soon and there is the danger of sudden cream spillage, and we all know how disappointing it can be if you cream too soon when engaged with, say, a bevy of stable girls in full riding tack. Too late and everyone is over-satiated and can only manage the most desultory fingering of your cream horn.

In conclusion, then, when one is asked whether perversion is an art or science one can say – with full confidence – ‘I’m buggered if I know.’

Friday, July 17, 2009

Cream Horn World Record Attempt

When the time comes for you to turn off the devices, unfasten the tupping harness and let the assistant librarian return to her cataloguing there is always a certain piquancy of, if not quite regret, then a feeling that something has been lost, a moment that has gone and cannot be brought back. It is not quite the feeling that one is deep within the lupins of dejection, but more an acknowledgement that even the fully-perverted life does have some drawbacks, for even the circumcised as well as for those circumscribed by circumstance.

However, let us not tarry too long by the shores of the sea of despondency. Instead, let us gather together our fetish implements and our perversion utility belts and head off into tupping shed No. 7. For here, the Little Frigging cake shop manageress, Fanny Knickerless, has personally promised to lick all the whipped cream from our cream horns in her attempt to beat the world record set up by Miss Glori Wholasuckemoff, of Splurtz, Russia, in 1987, of creaming off 23 horns in 58 minutes and seven seconds.

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Obviously, most of the men in the village will be there, thrusting their cream horns proudly forth so that the cake shop manageress can get herself a full satisfying mouthful before she moves on to the next one in line. Having to deal with as many cream horns in as fast a time as possible means that Fanny’s shop assistants, Sue Pastry and Jane Tart will have to both work swiftly in order to make sure that the horns next in line are at their peak of firmness, ready for when Fanny herself comes to cream them off.

It is almost guaranteed to be a very popular event and will be – of course – filmed for what we believe will be very strong sales in the souvenir DVD department of the Little Frigging In The Wold Gift Shop. So, please do come early, and for those of you wishing to be involved when Fanny Knickerless goes down in the record books, please bring a firmly-upstanding cream horn for her to enjoy.

Thursday, July 16, 2009

Charabanc Trip

[Dedicated to @oleuanna]

Now then, it seems that some of you have not filled out and returned your application forms for this years annual weekend trip to the Naughtie Islands. As you know every year, we here at Little Frigging organise a charabanc trip to the Naughtie Islands for one of their Infamous Perversion Weekends at Castle Frottage, on the coast of Loch Munch on South Naughtie Island.

There we can all take part in a full weekend of role-play games of fully-immersive perversions, and we don’t even have to provide the cream cakes, or even the ladle.

 

Although, those of you who do sign up for the trip would all be best advised to pack your own bespoke sex spatulas. Unfortunately, those provided on the premises at such events – not matter if even with the best intentions and if they have been properly serviced by a fully-qualified and accredited Sexual Perversion Devices Engineer - are never a match for those one has grown familiar with over the years. It would be a great shame too – especially if that is not the sort of thing you are into – to go all that way and find that one’s facility-provided sex spatulas are slightly out of balance, or tend to aim a little lower than one’s own bespoke brace of spatulas. Such a situation can – of course – play havoc with how the assistant librarian can be correctly sited in relation to your fully-restrained social worker, especially if she is wearing the fetish wellies and peep-hole top hat.

Later our village blacksmith, volunteer fireman and leading Inter-Village Orgy scorer, Strom Thighhammer will demonstrate the tossing of his caber for the delectation of the local ladies present. No doubt, afterwards, many of those same ladies will be queuing up for a mouthful of Strom’s famous hot porridge fresh from the man himself.

On the second day of the trip, there will be an excursion to some of the most famous Highland perversion sites in the area. This will include a visit to Banachanachanacholeekie, the place where the famous Scottish pervert Jock McMacJock first used the kilt to arouse a wee lassie, allowing her to fondle his sporran in the nearby burn.

In addition, if time allows, there will be a visit to a free-range haggis farm. Where, for a small fee one can spend a few hours in the privacy of the barn with the free-range haggis of one’s choice, with a full range of optional traditional Scottish fetish gear (including some wild bagpipes, if in season, and some well-lubricated neeps and tatties) for a nominal extra charge.

All-in-all then, it is a trip not to be missed, so please book early to avoid disappointment. The Charabanc will leave from outside the snug door at The Pervert’s Appendage at 9 o’clock sharp on the Friday morning (That is if our driver for the day, Old Feebletrousers, has sobered up enough, from the night before, to find the steering wheel with both hands.

Wednesday, July 15, 2009

Summer Perversions No. 1 – The Picnic

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In the cold of the winter months there is nothing quite like settling down in front of an open fire to be gently toasted by a brace of freshly-buttered strumpets up to full perversion-initiating temperatures, preferably on a fur rug. There are times even as the cold winds howl outside when the gentle roasting of a cake shop manageress can certainly warm the cockles of all her gentlemen friends there present.

However, as the summer approaches our thoughts turn towards the more appropriate seasonal barbecues and picnics. Therefore, it would be useful to consider what kind of perversions would be more appropriate to these seasonal activities, during the fine drizzle of an English summer.

For the picnic, I feel (and I hope you find my hands warm enough) that the traditional ways are best, so such perversions as:

  • The Picnic Humper
  • The Lusty Librarian Sandwich
  • The Cucumber Invitation
  • The Intemperate Tea Flask

All followed by a nice quiet lie down sheltered under a brace of cake shop assistants as they take it in turns to check the firmness of your cream horn, and licking off any excess cream that may accrue, whilst you take special care of their fondant fancies.

By now, in this day and age, we are all very familiar indeed with the use of the Frisbee in an erotic context. Therefore, I do not feel I ought to spend what little time I have exploring the matter, except to point out that when utilising the Frisbee always remember to bowl the librarians underarm, otherwise the off-duty fireman may end up with a very unfortunate kink in his hose*.

*and by this I don’t mean his unusual fetish of dressing up as a medieval lutist.

Tuesday, July 14, 2009

Al Fresco

[Dedicated to @secret_thoughts]

Al Fresco, our farmhand has been helping out the dairymaids yet again, down in the upper lower pasture. As far as we can tell, he seems to have been mostly helping them out of their underwear, judging by the number of discarded pairs of knickers and errant bras hanging from the horns of the cows when the rather pleased-looking dairymaids eventually bring them in at milking time.

Al Fresco himself - who, it has often been said, makes our carthorses feel inadequate and our donkeys feel underdeveloped - does seem to prefer the outdoor life. Not for him the traditional British Saturday night with the lights out approach to carnal doings. He much prefers a haystack under the moonlight with a brace or two of freshly-scrubbed milkmaids, a handful of librarians under the hedgerow, or even a postmistress or two on the blasted heath as the rough winds blow the discarded underwear hither and yon before entangling it in the heather or the gorse.

Al Fresco does, of course, make an exception to his usually strictly outdoors life by being a regular attendee at out village orgies, being especially popular with the ladies for his ability to open some of the higher windows in the village hall without using either his hands or the long pole usually utilised for that purpose.

Apparently the ladies of the village also much appreciate Al Fresco’s manual dexterity with his unerring ability to put the tip of his finger exactly on the nub of their problem and sweep away their anxieties and worries with a few deft fingerings and turns of his wrist.

There is also a claim that Al Fresco has certain mystical powers, being able to speak in tongues to the ladies in a manner only they can fully appreciate. Certainly, many of the women in the village have testified to Al Fresco’s marvellous ability to ease the anxieties and dissatisfactions of a lady using only his uncanny abilities as a cunning linguist to leave her blissfully satiated and at her ease once again.

Monday, July 13, 2009

The Naked Pogo Stick Steeplechase

Summer is, at last, in the air and so it is time for all the denizens of Little Frigging to dust off our pogo sticks and meet on the village green for the first of this year’s Naked Pogo Stick Steeplechases. This year we should have several good races as we have been promised a good summer by the weather forecasters. Even Old Feebletrousers has been quite upbeat about it, even his divinations utilising his myriad of ancient danglings have meant his prognostications have turned positive about the prospects for this summer.

A decent naked pogo-stick steeplechase – of course – needs firm going, as there is nothing so frustrating as getting bogged down in muddy ground mid-bounce, especially during the final furlong down the back straight between the Chinese Takeaway and the Antique shop.

Of course, the Naked Pogo Stick Steeplechases have over the years, as word has spread, become great tourist attractions. Especially, it seems when there is a chance of a photo-finish in the ladies’ events. In fact, it seems each year more and more tourists like to enter into the spirit of the event by taking as many photos as they can of the Little Frigging ladies as they bound, leap and bounce nakedly towards the finish line.

There is something, it seems, about a naked lady bouncing up and down on the stick clasped between her sweating thighs as it pounds away which makes many a man stand proud and tall as he urges her on towards the climax of the proceedings.

Once she arrives, hot and panting at the finish there is always someone there to wrap her in his arms and ask how it was for her, whether she has come first or last, a quickie or a long languid slow summer bounce with deep slow strokes to push her over the finish line.

Hang on, I must just go and stick my head in the rainwater butt for a minute or two….

Right, as I was saying:

All-in all, then a magnificent day out for any tourist wishing to spend a great deal of their money on buying souvenirs depicting a rural tradition historians have dated back through the mists of time to even beyond the first days of the Rolling Stones themselves.

Friday, July 10, 2009

Holiday Perversions – both abroad and in the UK – Part One

I see that time of year is now upon us when the loyal reader of this… this… this…er… whatever it is begins to contemplate the prospect of some form of holiday. Therefore, it falls to me as Little Frigging’s leading expert in theoretical and applied perversions to discuss some of the pitfalls and problems that may befall the holidaying pervert both here and abroad.

First a simple and I hope obvious warning about any small furry mammals one would wish to utilise in some of the more advanced perversions in a holiday setting. Please make sure you follow all quarantine regulations in both transporting your small furry mammals overseas, or in returning to these shores with one purchased abroad. You should not – under any circumstances – underestimate the danger of having, for example, a rabid weasel in the vicinity of your genitals, or those of any putative partner.

It is also vital to remember that continental postmistresses are more used to left-hand perversions and will look askance on anyone who, say, approaches them with a right-handed traffic warden or supply geography-teacher for perverted purposes. On no account should one ask a German librarian for a quick peek at their catalogue index, as such a thing was declared illegal just after the end of WWII, for reasons that should be obvious. You should also warn any politicians in your holiday party that Caribbean beach perversions do tend to make full use of the Pineapple Inquiry, often with a much longer run up and considerably more forceful insertion than they are probably used to in this country.

Of course, one should also be aware that continental sex spatulas are usually calibrated in metric, and please make sure you recalibrate your wallaby grouting trowels to local time, and do not leave them set to British Summer Time, especially if you have been invited to any local orgies taking place at your holiday destination. The resulting embarrassment should you forget this elementary precaution is not something you will forget, and will undoubtedly ruin your holiday.

Thursday, July 9, 2009

Ancient Pagan Rites

Deep in the deepest, darkest, heart of the Little Frigging Woods is one of the oldest still living trees in the area. Consequently, over the years - before Christianity came along and spoilt it - this ancient tree and its immediate environs became the scene for many a pagan holy rite. Consequently, as they knew how to do the religion business properly in those far of days of yore (and mine), it was the scene of many, many naughty goings-on and situations of extreme moistness in the very epitome of bacchanalian extravagance not seen again on these shores until the drug-fuelled groupie extravaganzas of 1970s heavy rock bands.

Many of these deeply religious and heavily symbolic going on are lost to us now, of course, only remaining deep within folk memory and that sort of vague comprehension that Jung called the collective unconscious and the rest of us call feeling a bit spooky. This feeling can best be described as that sort of vague feeling of something stirring in the undergrowth that you get when you venture deep into the woods with a comely young lady. A sense that you hope she will soon feel a third presence rising between you, that she should grasp firmly in both hands before taking it deeper into her bush. Consequently, then taking you both to that higher plane of wisdom, knowledge and spiritual understanding that comes from a jolly good shag*.

 

*I am – of course - using the word ‘shag’ here in its old pagan religious sense, not the more modern debased sense. There are some similarities of meaning, but the older religious sense involved a lot more movement in the elbows and fuller utilisation of the left knee while rotating the sex spatulas in a slightly more widdershins direction. Oh, and a badger, too, of course.

Wednesday, July 8, 2009

Overcoming The Over-Officious

The bold underlining of an un-grouted wallaby is not to be undertaken by anyone not fully conversant with some of the more advanced possibilities of the perverted repertoire, at least not without a stout pair of matching oven gloves and a semi-naked assistant librarian in attendance.

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Now I’m sure that most of you who come here often, as well as the frequent visitors to this site, will find such advice – contained in this government-issued leaflet to be far too obvious to need restating in any erotic context, and superfluous at best if not downright condescending.

I think all of us gathered here today would, no doubt, agree that to be a fully adept pervert of the first order, or even a merely adequate deviant, does require a sense of responsibility, understanding and maturity. If only to make sure that the putative sensual experience that is about to be undertaken will pass off in the most mutually-satisfying way for all in attendance, that includes any spectators present as well as the participants.

So, if anything that is likely to cause excessive damage to the post-orgy cream cakes, or even to bewilder any semi-restrained and lubricated freelance chiropodist, or even any social workers in the immediate vicinity of the un-grouted wallaby, then such precautions ought to be undertaken as a matter of course.

Just why this excessively-intrusive government sees fit to poke its nose into matters that have until now throughout history been solely a matter for those immediately concerned to regulate for themselves, can only remain a matter of conjecture and concern for the rest of us. This is especially true when everyone involved would prefer to go about their own business in their own way, and when experience has shown that excessive bureaucracy achieves nothing except the opposite of what was intended, to excessively sore inner thighs, and increased trepidation to those mallard ducks that may be present.

Tuesday, July 7, 2009

MPs And Legitimate Expenses

Now there are many who can see that fetish gear should be a legitimate expense, especially in the case of politicians who find they cannot perform their constitutional or constituency duties without say – sellotaping a sex weasel to a research assistant, or lubricating their constituency agent with badger spleen oil before engaging in a fully-consensual Pineapple Inquiry.

Some have indeed looked askance at the proudly-upstanding member for the constituency of Upper-Thyespredder, the right honourable Gerrymander Quisling, and his claims for both moat maintenance and a duck house*. However, water-based perversions are a very traditional form of deviation here in some of the moistest parts of the British Isles that are not actually sea. Furthermore, who but the most cold-hearted could deny their MP the pleasure of a swift mallard or two, or – on Bank Holidays – a great crested grebe, at the end of a hard day’s expense counting?

As for the moat maintenance, of course, we all know of the fun that can be had with a drawbridge and a bevy of lightly-oiled stable girls, so I don’t need to go into that here. However, a well-maintained moat is also vital for those interested in archaeological recreations of medieval siege perversions, like our very own honourable member, the aforementioned Gerrymander Quisling. He has produced some excellent theoretical studies, and practical archaeological re-creations, of such - previously only vaguely understood - medieval siege perversions as the Catapult Strumpet and the Trebuchet Hussy Lob Divergence, that have impressed many in the field**.

Consequently, it was only right, despite the sceptical tone of some of the media report, that our constituency party unanimously passed a motion of full confidence in our local MP, as well as publishing a press release where we agree that all his expense claims were both necessary and legitimate. This includes the occasion when he took all of us on his constituency committee on a six-month long fact-finding mission to engage in a full in-depth study of the perversions practiced by traditional Caribbean cultures in order to facilitate our application for a EU Perversions Diversity Grant.

Therefore, Gerrymander Quisling has been cleared of all charges made against him by a mischievous and ill-informed press, and look forward to his continued future long, and financially mutually-beneficial, service to this community.

 

*Actually, this was a printing error. Although it is still unclear what a Duck Fouse would be.

**Especially in that particular field where the catapulted strumpet lands, more often than not, a welcome addition to many a summer picnic and orgy.

Monday, July 6, 2009

Heatwave

I must apologise for the brief hiatus in this… this… whatever it is during the early part of last week, and offer my sincere regrets for any interruption in your erstwhile perusal of my organ. However, the hiatus was not without just cause. As you well know by now*, Hairstylists can be finicky livestock at times. The unseasonably hot weather had caused them to think that they were on holiday in sunnier climes**, and so our herds of pedigree farm-assured hairstylists had, therefore, been wandering around looking for sunbathing beaches during the heat of the day, with - of course - the consequential removal of most, if not all, of their protective clothing.

More significantly, once the dark of evening arrived, they had been looking for all-night clubs, bars and discos, all with the adjacent back alleys that are so vital for the successful culmination of their mating rituals.

Consequently, to avoid the hairstylists entering the breeding cycle far too early I had to spend the best part of last week hosing down the entire herd of hairstylists with cold water.

Therefore, I had to spend the hottest part of each day clutching my hose as tightly as possible, while spraying it over several hundred nubile, naked and sexually-(over)charged hairstylists as they herded past me. This has - inevitably - left me with very sore wrists that now make typing rather difficult.

So, if you do not mind, we will re-convene here early tomorrow to resume our intercourse.

 

*if you have been paying attention.

**and not the - slightly - warmer drizzle that usually marks the English summer.

Friday, July 3, 2009

Sex, Pies And Sellotape

Everyone gathered here – more than likely – does not need me to tell them of the delights that can ensue from Sellotaping a Cornish Pasty to an assistant librarian. Pause, for a moment though, and consider what other pastry-related delights can be yours utilising little more than a willing post mistress or cake shop manageress, a humble roll of sellotape and a selection of both savoury and fruit-based pastries. For example:

  • The steak And Kidney Pony Girl Over-Gravying
  • The Apple Crumble And Custard Supermarket Cashier Delight
  • The Strawberry Flan Floozie Fling
  • The Beef and Ale Strumpet

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Always remember not to make the pastry too short, or it may lose its essential pie shape if the sellotape is applied too tightly, placing it under too many stresses for it to retain its structural integrity. This is especially true in the case of the Lemon Ménage, mainly because of the fragility of your meringue peaks.

There are also the more Continental perversions, for the slightly more adventurous, for example, The Quiche Lorraine (or if Lorraine is not available that evening, The Quiche Doris is an equally satisfying replacement, providing you remember to avoid getting the sellotape entangled in her cardigan.)

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For those of a more exotic cast of mind - and in possession of a roll or two of some eastern-pastry compatible sellotape - such things as The Samosa Spicy Dental Hygienist Dip and The Pancake Roll Me Over Sweet And Sour Under-Noodling are well worth a try. Although, at this juncture there may be some purist who insist on keeping the distinction between true pastry-based perversions and such exotica as the pancake roll and samosas which are not strictly pastries in the traditional western sense. I – for one, or if fortunate enough, several times - would tend towards dismissing such pettifogging nit-picking and just get the sellotape out before the postmistress is forced to return to selling stamps to a somewhat, by now, increasingly impatient queue.

Thursday, July 2, 2009

Strip Logarithmic Tables

So, anyway… then.

Now what shall we do today…?

I see from the way you adopt the stance of an accounts assistant from the marketing department of a small specialist glassware manufacturer, that you may be interested in discussing the sort of devices one should take with oneself to the first open-air orgies of the summer season.

I must say that that subject would - indeed – be rather an excellent choice for such a fine day as this. I wish I’d thought of it myself….

Oh, well. Can’t be helped I suppose.

I had brought along this cabbage for us to - perhaps, if the ground wasn’t too baked - fully explore the outer reaches of erotic possibility together. However, I see, you forgot to bring the goat, and – even – the Ordinance Survey map of outer Droitwich.

So, I suppose there is nothing else for it, but to play Strip Logarithmic Tables. Luckily, I always carry my booklet of Four Figure Logarithms And Other Tables, in case of such an eventuality. Being as it is such a hot day and you already have the centipede in your left hand, I will even let you go first.

Wednesday, July 1, 2009

A Near Catastrophe

Once there was a time when this was all fields. It is now – still – all fields, so I’m sure you get my point, or – at least – you will do once we get down to the open-air perversion pitch.

Although, this may seem like some rural idyll, full of Arcadian delights involving all manner of perversion and sexual deviance between Shepherd and shepherdess, man and maid, social worker and quantity surveyor – or even only those dressed up as such, sometimes this too can be a place of woe and disappointment. Why only last week the landlord at The Pervert’s Appendage somehow managed to run out of pork scratchings before the evening was less than halfway through.

Normally this would be a matter of only brief consternation, but that night was a special Inter-Village Fetish Dominoes night between Little Frigging and a team from The Queen’s Gusset in Greater Spadgecock. So, you can envisage the problems when it came to the all-important Light Bondage Dominoes Final, whereupon the lack of pork scratchings – as you can well imagine – came close to creating a catastrophe of the first water.

Fortunately, an emergency drop of Melton Mowbray Pork Pies by the RAF’s crack Emergency Snack Foods helicopter squad from the nearby airbase managed to salvage what was left of the evening.

Luckily too, with the catastrophe thus averted, the Little Frigging team managed to win the Light Bondage Dominoes final with a last minute double-four and a semi-intrigued mallard duck trussed up with a silken rope tied with a reef knot.