Monday, November 30, 2009

Little-Frigging-In-The-Wold Village School

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A Brief Visit.

'Now then, now then. Settle down at the back. Remember, it is your time, not mine, you are wasting. Right, are we all settled down, now. Good.'

'Deferens…! Vas Deferens! Put it away boy. She doesn't want to play with it now.'

'No, she doesn't.'

'No, you don't, Verruca…. Because I said so! You ought to, at least, go and wash your hands, now.'

'Because, Verruca, you don't know where it has been, that's why.'

'Oh… well, maybe you do know where it has been. But I'm quite sure the rest of us need to know… at least in not quite such graphic detail, anyway.'

'Come on, now. All of you... settle down. You have your A-Level Sexual Perversions and Deviations exams in a few weeks, and it is about time you all did at least some revision.'

'Yes, and especially for the oral paper… and - maybe - the practical too.'

'Now, did you all remember to bring your sexual aids?'

'Good. Good!'

'Splodge Emission! I thought it was all too good to be true. Well… what is your excuse this time?'

'Oh, how original. Your dog bit it…. Well, haven't you got a puncture repair kit at home?'

'Membranes! Don't do that…. Because the batteries will run out before we even start…. See? I don't suppose you brought any spares, did you? Well… here you can borrow some of mine. But remember to hand them back at the end of the lesson.'

'Now, we can beg….'

'What the fu!'

'Yes, Excrescence, I know it is the fire alarm, thank you. Right everyone. Calmly. Slowly. Pack everything away and line up by the door.'

'Slowly…. Right, follow me out to the Lower Orgy Field. Come on…. And walk... don't run.'

Friday, November 27, 2009

Annual Bondage Arrangement Competition Rehearsals

So there we are then. Which is – I suppose – a good thing. For if we were over there (by way of example) then I would have much more difficulty fastening the weasel restraint harness about your person, especially if you were as liberally coated with vinaigrette dressing as you are now.

Still, your suitably-restrained nudity does give me a chance to make sure the flower arrangement is symmetrical, because if this were the actual Bondage Arrangement Competition, rather than just our practice session, then I am sure we would lose points for the droopiness of our delphiniums.

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Although, we did manage to achieve third place last year. Grand Old Uncle Stagnant was in second place with his Cake Shop Manageress (Our own Fanny Knickerless, of course) lashed to the mast of a schooner with hand-woven daisy chains and coated with a very tasty home-made custard from his own secret recipe.

The, to my mind, well-deserved first place entry was our Village Doctor, Minnie Strayshuns, and her Nurse, Pam Purring, with Strom Thighhammer bound tightly, and seasoned with sage and onion, to a Norwegian dental hygienist wearing the full traditional costume of a professional stoat-rebuker, whilst Strom was singing a comprehensive selection from the Val Doonican songbook in Flemish.

Thursday, November 26, 2009

The Use Of The Perversion Hat

Of course, these days the use of the perversion hat is almost de-rigour in polite society. This can be seen at certain high society functions such as Ascot, etc where the formal use of the hat is retained, seemingly these days for little more than comic effect, with little apparent knowledge or awareness of the long splendid - and often quite moist - use of the hat in the history of perversion.

The Greeks were the first major western civilisation to use hats in a recognisably perverted way. In fact, at their so-called symposiums where attendees dressed as famous philosophers whilst buttering their sex weasels in readiness for the afternoon orgies that were a commonplace in high Greek society, it was considered vital to always sport the correct headgear, especially whilst ‘philosophising’ with a olive-oil coated assistant librarian, or two.

Later, of course the Romans made much use of the helmet. It was – in fact – a criminal offence in Rome for a man to attend an early evening orgy without first buffing up his helmet beforehand.

I think it is safe to assume that everyone is more than familiar with Vikings and how horny they were with their helmets.

Therefore in - the soon to come* - part two of this essay we can move on to the medieval period and the first real recorded uses of the wimple by lady attendees at village orgies, especially during he Plantagenet era.

 

*When** I can be arsed.

**Or – indeed – if.

Wednesday, November 25, 2009

Maureen’s Problem Page

Today we bring you a Brand New Regular* Feature:

Maureen’s Problem Page

(where Maureen Trouser-Quandary brings her many years of experience in the field** of rural perversions to bear in order to help those who have problems of a more intimate nature that would benefit from a full and frank airing in the gaze of the general public (or at least the one(s) that turns up here for a gawk.)

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Anyway, without any further ado, here is the first such problem.

A Miss Nobgobbler of Ludlow writes:

Dear Maureen, no matter what I do – even adopting the famous Crouching Stockbroker Hidden Washing Mangle stance – it seems I can keep no chicken intrigued for more than a few seconds, even when totally naked.

Maureen replies:

Well, as you well know the ancient art of Chicken intriguing is much more difficult than the greats – such as Nasturtium Cheeseincident - make it seem. I think Miss Nobgobbler you are going to just have to face facts and accept that you are just bloody rubbish at it.

So, I suggest you just pull yourself together, stop your whining and get yourself a proper job that doesn’t involve subjecting all and sundry to the dubious pleasures of your naked form.

Hope this helps.

Love

Maureen Trouser-Quandary

Readers (either of you) of this… er… whatever it is are free to submit any… er… difficulties or problems they may be experiencing in the comments section of this blog for Maureen to disdain to answer (and the rest of us to snigger over), if they so wish.

*Regular in this sense means more or less when I can be arsed to get around to contemplating it.

**If wet, in the barn.

Tuesday, November 24, 2009

The Fully Perverted Lifestyle

Anyway, as it happens I just have to recalibrate this goat and I will be right with you. That is the trouble with these new metric goats, they have a habit of coming out of true just as you get the stock broker into the custard and the cake shop manageress poised with the ladle. However, I don’t need to tell you that, do I? As a frequenter of this… this… whatever it is, I am sure you are quite familiar with the vicissitudes of leading a fully perverted lifestyle and the dangers of over-indulgence in sprouts.

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Right, onward. I’m sure you haven’t come all the way here from over in the more interesting blogs featuring in-depth photographic studies of underdressed young ladies entertaining their special friends, just to hear me moan, have you?

Although, having said that, the main function of blogs does seem to be mainly concerned with its author moaning about all and sundry to an audience seemingly eager, or – more likely – only slightly interested, to hear the author wants to get off his and/or her chest*.

No, you are here to study, to learn, to understand, the finer points of advanced perversion and to take whatever tips I can give you in regard to the more complex lessons in both theoretical and practical orgiastics and the various stances best adopted to enjoy full participation in the aforesaid.

‘Tis a pity that today I don’t seem to have any time for any of that.

So, now, if you will excuse me I must get back to that goat before the oil dries on the sub-postmistress.

 

*this seems especially true of those particular blogs that show young ladies getting items of clothing off their chests in an oft-beguiling manner.

Monday, November 23, 2009

Theoretical Orgiastics

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Well now, and/or then – depending upon your preferred stance and orgy leggings, of course. It has come to my attention that some of you (both) gathered here on this fine… reasonable… well, frankly god-awful day are not that conversant with the latest in Theoretical Orgiastics or even have a firm enough grasp of the philosophical underpinnings of modern-day perverted practices.

Ah, you may argue, isn’t it better to have the hands-on practical experience out on the orgy field or perversion pitch, rather than have a head filled with the latest theories, ideas and notions. Without ever having laid a sex spatula on a recumbent sub-postmistress, you may say, all the theory in the world –no matter how perverse – is of little consequence.

You could – of course – be right. However… there are times when a little theory can prove invaluable. I only have time for one example, so let me just mention Renee Descartes famous dictum: I wear a leather perversion grommeting belt, therefore I am a sexual deviant. I believe I can’t say fairer than that, and a person of your wit, erudition and perverse know-how will not – I believe – need for me to say any more, which is a good thing as there is an assistant librarian in the village library awaiting me and my exotic badger unguents at this very moment.

So, I will, perforce, have to bid you good day.

Friday, November 20, 2009

The Erotic Use Of Cardigans

The cheese-based perversions usually undertaken as the nights draw in when winter approaches, usually have the advantage that they can be undertaken whilst wearing a cardigan, or for the more sexually-adventurous, a pair of mittens and a scarf.

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It is always advisable to approach certain of the more… er… robust cheeses, such as Stilton or Gorgonzola wearing at least a pair of gloves anyway. In the case of Roquefort, it goes without saying that one should always – ideally – be wearing a hat, especially if one is about to place it anywhere near the erogenous zones of a post mistress as she becomes aroused by the carefully selected photographs of Val Doonican placed around the boudoir.

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Now, as you well know, the cheese should be placed just to the left of the trainee supermarket manager. This is especially important if one is bowling from the northern end of the perversion pitch (always, of course, providing your team has won the toss-off and has elected to field for the first six rounds of the 12 overs of the first quarter of the second half).

You should then have no trouble in getting the librarian, or her assistant, to wear the necessary cardigans that make the use of the Double Gloucester such an enticing prospect at this time of the year, ensuring a warming glow right down to the very ends of your pickled onions.

Watching Paint Dry

[The Friday Special -

A Guest Post By Grand Old Uncle Stagnant]

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If you were to grease the underside leading edge of any vicar, or related ecumenically-inclined person of similar standing, with a strong oil-based greasing agent, before introducing him – or her – to your chicken flock then – indeed, and to my mind, quite rightly – questions would be asked in parliament.

Whether or not those would be interesting, or – indeed – relevant questions is a mater for another day and a more robust set of underpants than the ones I currently reside in. But, be that as it may, and – for the sake of argument – we may as well grant such a set of circumstances, I see from the way you are fondling your per aardvark, it is the day for applying a fresh coat of paint to your fetish tandem.

No wonder you have arrived here with such alacrity, naked except for your bejewelled perversion cape and cycling clips, for it is not often that one gets the chance – especially with today’s hectic lifestyles – to settle down in a nice comfy chair (with the small mammal of one’s choice) to watch paint dry.

Thursday, November 19, 2009

This Interwebnet Thingy

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Now, here we are again. This is beginning to become a bit of a habit, isn't it? It makes you wonder what people did when they had lives, instead of the internet*. Not to worry though, it will not be that long until we all have the internet wired directly into our brains and then we can give up all this tiresome business of having to lug our big superfluous bodies to and from the computer.

Anyway, all that is far into the future, unlikely to happen for the next two or three weeks at least, which still leaves us with plenty of sandwiches to make. It also gives us time to do many of the ruder and – hopefully – moister things we have always wanted to do with our bodies, that is while we still have them.

So, if you have always wanted to smear your naked body with low fat cream cheese spread and then go out and rub yourself all over a traffic warden, now is the time to do it. If you have ever felt an almost uncontrollable need to engage in religious dialogue with a semi-naked Jehovah's Pervert who is buttering scones and half-watching the shopping channel on TV while you encase yourself in a human-sized jelly mould filled with cold baked beans, then perhaps now is the time to begin making the arrangements.

Well, perhaps not quite yet, as you still have a handful of links to click on, or a few RSS feeds left unread, and there is that email you ought to answer, Twitter is tweeting merrily away and MyArseYourFaceBookSpace is clambering for you to engage in some inane little ritual of pseudo-communication with someone you claim to share a friendship with, and…

Hang on, something just beeped at me… must reply now….

 

*But only briefly, there are so many links these days and just too little time.

Wednesday, November 18, 2009

The LFITW Woodland Perversions Institute

But even if you do know the correct way to attach the turbo-weasel to you fetish utility belt without entangling it unnecessarily in your perversion webbing, that doesn’t mean that you are anywhere near being an adept at woodland perversions. For there is far more to a full understanding of woodland perversions than knowing which way is north and how to safely undress a sub postmistress in a bramble thicket.

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By way of example, it takes many years of practice to deploy successfully the fresh cream cakes essential for the fully perverse experience in a woodland environment without suffering some form of collateral damage to the integrity of your cream horn.

That is why we here at The Little Frigging In The Wold Woodland Perversions Institute offer a three-week intensive residential school that covers all the essentials for becoming a successful and fully-experienced woodland sexual deviant. Those who successfully complete the course are awarded the Certificate in Advanced Woodland Perversion, and a badge that can be sewn onto their fetish utility belt and/or perversion webbing in order to demonstrate their accredited prowess to all interested parties at their next orgy or other outdoor perversion event.

Tuesday, November 17, 2009

Underwired Ferret Recalibration Device

Put your underwired ferret recalibration device to one side for a moment while I adjust the restraining straps on your fetish unicycle, for today is the first day after the day before Holy Tax-Inspector Immersion Day, the day everyone in the entire village of Little Frigging sallies forth* to attempt to catch the year’s first fully underwired ferret. Of course, in order to set each and every underwired ferret in the environs of Little Frigging back to GMT, it is necessary for everyone in the village to play their part, even if it is only offering a light massage with hand relief followed by tea and fresh cream cakes to the underwired ferret recalibraters.

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[Underwired ferrets Being Expertly Recalibrated]

As is traditional it will be Old Feebletrousers who will lead the first wave of recalibrationists. As tradition also dictates, this will be towards the snug of The Pervert’s Appendage, where we recalibrationists will – as tradition dictates – ensconce ourselves until the publican, Strim Goosefondler, believes we can no longer each stand unassisted, and therefore ejects us out into the streets of Little Frigging once more whereupon the great chase will commence!

Well, it will recommence as soon as one of can remember with any real clarity what it is we are supposedly chasing.

 

*or sallies fifth, if Sally is – as usual – willing to be so accommodating.

Monday, November 16, 2009

Advanced Sexual Perversions – Lesson 2

It is not really all that unusual, as you well know, to sometimes have difficulty making sure that all the holes are aligned and that the weasel has a free run right up to the sticking point*. Then, I suppose, it is a matter of using the right lubrication and hoping the traffic warden is securely restrained and that the nipple clamps you have been warming by the radiator out of consideration for the time of year have not got too hot.

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BY now, we hope, the jelly will have set and the custard should be ready too. Even in these cooler temperatures at this time of year, though, I would still keep the fresh cream cakes under refrigeration and make sure the rubber stockbroker’s outfit is not in danger of getting over brittle.

It is now time to introduce a well-oiled librarian, or – in advanced cases – two, to the proceedings, providing you feel you have mastered the subtleties of double-entry bookkeeping, especially the tricky nature of accounting for expenses incurred.

 

*Having first made sure that anything you may have previously screwed (or nailed) there will not impede the weasel in any significant way.

[Advanced Sexual Perversions – Lesson 1]

Friday, November 13, 2009

On Environmentally–Friendly Perversions

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Even if your eco-friendly wind-powered Throbbing Weasel 9000 intimate massage device is fully-charged beforehand, it is always best to use it on some local promontory, or other such spot that allows its turbine blades to keep it fully recharged, or else it could run out of power at that all-important vital moment. You will have to agree that there is nothing quite so frustrating as such an occurrence, especially if it means you will have to re-apply the butter to the traffic warden before recommencing.

Still, at least you will be able to feel the now-mandatory feeling of environmental smugness at having achieve a carbon-neutral state of arousal and – if the device did not need recharging at the vital moment – satiation, without having to traipse off and go and plant a tree or somesuch other bit of dubious foolery.

Some of our more committed perverts have experimented with using recycled fetish gear. Apart from some disappointments with recycled cardboard handcuffs and whips when states of over-moistness have been achieved, most of these experiments have – I’ve been recently informed – been a success.

I will report back to you in greater detail on these matters when – and if - I can be arsed.

Thursday, November 12, 2009

University of Little Frigging Health & Safety Standards Upheld

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There is a place just slightly to the left of the badger-diversity awareness sheds where we keep the spanners we use for adjusting the lug nuts on the left under-flange of the perversion safety-harnesses used by the first year students at the University of Little Frigging, for their Introduction To The Perverse Arts And Sciences Course.

Of course, the upcoming Christmas break is the ideal time to check that all such teaching, safety and other such aids and devices are up to standard. It is also vital to make sure there is plenty left in the University budget after all the repairs and replacements to provide a decent Christmas piss-up for all members of staff down in the snug of The Pervert’s Appendage.

Of course, we do take the safety and well-being of our students very seriously here at TULF, as we have discovered injured - or even dead students - do tend not to keep up with the payment of their fees. Furthermore, bribing the editor of the Little Frigging Gleaner, Foaming Lickspittle, to not publish any articles suggesting we have anything lax or half-arsed in our health and safety regime does tend to prove slightly more expensive than we’d ideally prefer. Therefore, on the whole, safety inspections and so forth are not quite as costly as they would initially seem. After all, the primary purpose of any educational establishment is to make a clear profit and to produce alumni that will achieve a certain rank in society that will almost force them to make charitable (and – of course - tax-deductible) bequests to their seat of learning.

Wednesday, November 11, 2009

Off-Road Perversions – A Pointer

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It is not often appreciated, especially by the wives of hard working rural gentlemen, just how difficult it can be to become a fully upstanding member of one’s local off-road orgy club. This can be especially the case on some of the more challenging corners where it is often extremely difficult to keep abreast (or even a-thigh) of one’s cake shop manageress, especially if she has been well-lubricated in the snug of The Pervert’s Appendage beforehand.

Of course, successful off-road orgies do demand something a tad more roomy than even the average 4x4, especially if they are to be officially classed as orgies and not just a three or foursome, so, ideally, some sort of trailer is necessary to accommodate all those about to engage in the aforesaid orgiastic practices. The orgies, in order to qualify as bone fide off-road orgies must also be undertaken whilst the vehicle is in motion, which – if only for safety’s sake – must therefore necessitate a driver. Also – in more advanced cases – an off-road perversion may also need a navigator. This is especially true if the orgy is to include some of the more advanced perversions that may require someone to assist in the untangling of the assistant librarians once the perversion has been undertaken successfully and your gear stick is back in neutral with the handbrake applied.

Tuesday, November 10, 2009

On The Use Of the Sex Implements & Utensils

Placing the cheeseburgers next to the postmistress has never been easier. Since Splodge & Sons (Purveyors of Marital and Sexual aids to the gentry since 1789) first announced they were working on a prototype set of sex tongs, we in the perverted community have all been more than a little eager to get our fetish mittens on them.

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For too long now, one has had to often use home-made devices and implements for the placing of items, foodstuffs and even various parts of the body (one’s own, or those of other participants) in the correct positionings for orgiastic purposes.

This has, as you are no doubt well aware, meant that certain items are not at their most pristine when utilised heavily in an orgy situation. It is well known amongst the orgiastically-inclined, for instance, that a cream horn cannot stand too rough a treatment if it is going to retain its cream right up to the climax of the proceedings. Not only that, many ladies have had to decry the state of their baps after possibly too rough a handling during the Ladies Excuse Me or if they have been on the receiving end of an overzealous outpouring during The Gentlemen’s Relish.

Historically, of course, this sort of situation has often been cited as the main reason why the sex spatula was first introduced to the orgy by the Romans, who were notorious for their desire to always behave in the most civilised way possible at such times and is – of course – yet another thing for which we have to thank the Romans.

Monday, November 9, 2009

Britain’s Got Perversions

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There is great excitement in Little Frigging this week as the auditions for the Upper Thyghspredder rounds of the TV talent show Britain’s Got Perversions are about to take place in the Much Piddling village hall over the next few evenings. For those of you not familiar with the show, it is a chance for some of Britain’s amateur perverts to exhibit their deviances in front of a massive TV audience. Where, if they get the votes from both the panel of expert perverts and from the viewing public go through to the next rounds, and ultimately the final in later episodes of the series.

As a proudly upstanding pervert and as professor of Theoretical and Applied Orgiastics at the University of Little Frigging I have, quite naturally, been made head judge for the programme. The second judge is, it almost goes without saying, our very own Little Frigging postmistress, Labia Entanglements, whose name is almost synonymous with the practical application of the perverted arts and sciences wherever they are undertaken. The third judge is Poppy Widdershins, the infamous celebrity sexual deviant, whose exploits with various rugby teams, both amateur and professional, have been the stuff of several tabloid exposes, a series of very lucrative and explicit DVDs and a very successful brand of cheese-flavoured potato snacks.

Friday, November 6, 2009

Phil Anthropy

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Little Frigging’s general handyman Phil Anthropy is often available to thrust himself into the hands of any of the Little Frigging ladies who may feel an urgent need to get a man in. Phil Anthropy sees it as his duty to bring relief to the Ladies of Little Frigging whenever they feel the need for him. Phil sees it as his role in the village to put himself out whenever a village lady finds she is at a loose end and needs someone to plug a gap, or she has want of a man to fulfil her needs in some trying circumstances.

Maureen, my good lady wife, often feels the need to get a man in, especially if I am out and about engaged in the many vitally essential tasks that keep me away from hearth and home until well after closing time at The Pervert’s Appendage. In such cases, Phil, will be there with both alacrity and diligence, sometimes with his tool already out and held firmly in his hand ready for whatever task Maureen demands of him.

Many is the time when I have staggered in from an evening’s philosophical debate to find Phil buried deep in Maureen’s quandary, often with Maureen’s entreaties urging Phil on to greater exertions to bring her a satisfying climax with his efforts.

Phil can be seen out and about in Little Frigging most days of the week, doing his utmost to bring a smile to the faces of the ladies of Little frigging, popping in, his tool at the ready, to bring each one the satisfaction of a good seeing-to in the way only Phil Anthropy can.

Thursday, November 5, 2009

Little Frigging Weekly Farm Perversions Market

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While you are fully poised in your wallaby-grouting apron, waders and thong, you should always make sure that the cake shop manageress has her serving tongs at the ready to deal with your cream horn. Especially if the gentlemen present have their hands full, encumbered with the melons already put out on display by the lady behind the fruit stall.

Further on down towards the middle of the Little Frigging Weekly farm Perversions market, we find that Splodge & Sons (Purveyors of Marital and Sexual aids to the gentry since 1789) have a stall with many of their devices, fetish gear and other accoutrements and tranklements of the perverted arts on display for the delectation of the connoisseur.

Usually, during these markets there is a display by Little Frigging’s very own synchronised orgiastics squad. Here they often demonstrate some of the more intriguing of their routines for the delectation of the rather large crowds who always seem to gather for such an event. Some of the men in the crowd end up thrusting well forward as the ladies in the squad perform some of the more acrobatic of the deviations in a fully synchronised way that shows off their accomplishments to their full effect.

Wednesday, November 4, 2009

Village Green Orgies And The English Summer

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Of course, during a typical British summer, especially a ‘barbecue summer’ as faithfully promised by our weather forecasters during this year’s ‘summer’, it is advisable not to try to hold an open-air orgy on the village green, certainly not without snorkels and flippers. Admittedly, an open-air orgy in snorkels and flippers does have a great deal to recommend it, especially for such perversions as The Smoked Haddock Pandemonium and The Battered Cod Fillet And Assistant Librarian Mushy Pea. This also goes for the more usual aquatic or semi-aquatic perversions you are no doubt already familiar with, such as The Mud-Wrestling Vicar and Campanologist, The Damp Intercourse, and so forth.

However, if the open-air orgy has been rained off we can always retire to the village hall and engage in some games until the shower has passed. Of course, you should be familiar with such basic games as Strip Ludo, Naked and Baby-oiled Twister, Erotic Dominoes, Wife-Swapper’s Cribbage and so forth, as well as the fun you can have rack your balls up and getting ready for a good solid poke on the snooker, billiard or Pool table. Although, for those wishing to play naked pool, there should be plenty of opportunities once the rain has eased off somewhat hence the usefulness of the snorkels and flippers.

Monday, November 2, 2009

The Righteous Order Of Marmoset Basters

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Disportment Farrago is the first - ever - Great High Lord Ladleholder of the Righteous Order Of Marmoset Basters to become known to the general public. This secret society, so secret that its members do not even know they have joined until they receive their first subscription demand, is one of the most ancient in the world. Scholars have confidently dated the origins of the order as far back as before the Rolling Stones first LP. Some even say that there is archaeological evidence of marmoset basting rituals in the area around Stonehenge in Wiltshire, which – controversially - makes the order even older than Mick Jagger himself.

However, recently there have been some scandals - both made up and wildly exaggerated – in the more lurid tabloids ever-eager to halt their declining readerships that have linked the Marmoset Basters to certain corrupt practices in the police, the House off Commons, Hot Gladys’s House of Sensual Pleasure and Massage in Westminster and the North Willenhall Garden Centre.

The newspaper reports all claim that Marmoset Basters, exposed by their use of the secret earlobe manipulations by which the Basters’ identify themselves to each other were given preferential treatment, freebies and false expense claims by several businesses, services and the various forces of the state for everything from kinky sexual services, through opera tickets right down to a tray of lupin seedlings.

However, as several large gentlemen – all with strangely elongated earlobes – have pointed out to The Little Frigging Daily Gleaner, all of these allegations are totally without foundation, and have generously offered me a fortnight’s all-expenses paid holiday on a Mediterranean yacht belonging to one of these kind gentlemen. Consequently, we have decided that there is very little point continuing with this article any furthe….