Monday, January 25, 2010

Arts And Crafts Apprehension

Anyway, here we are once again. I don't know what to say, really. There are rumours and stories muttering through the village, that the feral folk singers down in the woods may be planning a folk music festival for the summer.


When people gather late in the night, to help carry each other home from The Pervert's Appendage, there is dark and suspicious talk of applications for Arts Council grants, and other such deviant goings-on, There has - as a consequence - been some wild and fearful scaremongering about the possibility of Morris Dancing, or even… an outbreak of ethnic folk dress! There is also dread that such a thing could inflict outsiders on the village. No-one wants that, unless, of course, they are tourists - easily separable from their money.

Of course, throughout history, there have been unwanted side-effects and unforeseen consequences of bringing in some non-indigenous species in to help control an infestation of pests. Often the consequences of such an act have been far, far, worse than the original problem - sort of like bringing in a Noel Edmonds to prevent an infestation of Graham Norton in the TV schedules.

As you should know, we brought in the folk singers to control an outbreak of wild accordions running amok in our woods, frightening the indigenous free-range hairstylists that nest down there. When the idea of bringing in the folk singers was first mooted there was some fear that there could be a related outbreak of Arts & Crafts*, but no-one - not in our wildest nightmares - could ever imagine that the folk singers would start organising festivals**.

Already some villagers are out gathering wood for the bonfires and shaping the wicker into wickerman cages, should this dread Folk Music Festival ever materialise.


*But this can be easily contained by opening an Arts & Crafts shop in the village in order to unload the stuff onto tourists.

**This shows the danger of Arts Council grants, of course.

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