Wednesday, January 27, 2010

Compulsory Quiz Programmes

[A Guest Post By Grand Uncle Stagnant]

Do goats really exist?

I have seen you naked, and I liked it - a lot. Maybe one day I will be granted permission to touch your elbow once again. Maybe when all those bad memories have faded.

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Do you keep donkeys on your patio? Do you ever make sketches of the Norwegians queuing in the dry-cleaners?

You laugh now, but wait until you see the bill.

This Smoked Weasel Cheese is deadly to Peruvians, who must smear it across the bare chest of the first stockbroker they encounter on the first day of spring, if they want to avoid contracting the fatal rash all over their thighs.

These are true facts. Learnt them well, my little hubcap, and your soul will be saved when the time comes for us to all appear on compulsory TV quiz programmes; where we are forced to win luxury all-expenses paid holidays of a lifetime, whether we want them or not.

Ah, the holy holiday. People used to dream of a better life than this: a heaven, a paradise, a utopia.

Now they just dream of going on holiday instead.

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