Friday, February 19, 2010

The Ritual of Ensmearment

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Now, as you well know, today is the first Friday after Trilobite Organising Eve, so I hope you have all remembered to number your scones in ASCENDING order and, only then, placed them at the necessary cardinal points of the compass in readiness.

So, now you will have the protractor in your left hand and the booklet of Logarithmic Tables tied with the blue ribbon to your left knee. Oh, and your clothes must go on the pile near the door, next to mine.

Ready?

Right, now we can begin.

Just wait a moment while I prise the lid off the ceremonial Tin of Golden Syrup and get the Holy Spatula blessed at the High Altar.

Good.

Now, acolyte, prepare yourself for the Ritual of Ensmearment by adopting the stance of an Assistant Building Society Manageress caught in a compromising position with a sweet-pickle coated wildebeest by a traffic warden clutching a non-stick frying pan.

No, no. The right knee should be slightly higher, and tuck your elbows in a bit more.

Good.

Now we can begin.

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