Monday, March 8, 2010

Be Proudly Upstanding Once More

Notwithstanding is an unfortunate affliction of the male that we have had – upon occasion – to touch upon before. Unfortunately, if the touching is ineffective then some other course of action is often called for in order to refurnish the aforesaid gentleman back to full ardour and to a state of being proudly upstanding once more.


Often, the mere presence of a lady from the cake shop offering her baps up for the delectation of the unfortunate one who feels his membership is on the wane is enough to bring about the stiffening of his resolve, especially if that lady then goes on to offer to lap up any excess of outpourings from his cream horn.

Sometimes even a brief period of frank perusal of his organ by an assistant librarian is also enough to get the gentleman to take out his hardback for the librarian to catalogue, and to ease it snugly into the tight gap on her shelves.

Dairymaids too can play an active role in making sure a gentleman achieves his full standing in the community, for their expert ministrations, supple wrists and deft fingerings could – as Grand Uncle Stagnant so eloquently attests – give even a gentleman of his advanced years and wide experience a stiffy hard enough to poke holes in solid concrete. And – to judge from the state of the walls down in my own cowshed after grand Uncle Stagnant and his bevy of dairymaids have been dallying there for a while – it is not a claim without some foundation.

So, therefore, if any gentleman on his approach to a village orgy begins to question his ardour, there is no need for his head to droop in seeming sympathy with his under-trouser area. For - no doubt – there will be within the confines of the village hall many ladies willing, if not eager – to take him in hand until he is standing proud once more.

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