Tuesday, March 9, 2010

Breakfast Perversions

The lupins of all our most preposterous Tuesdays grow up around the ankles of the bedazzled Diversity Outreach Workers of our souls as we make our way down the High Street, which is – once again – flooded waist-deep in lemon marmalade. Once more, it seems we have been inundated with a marmalade flood unknown in these isles since the times of the Romans, when – as every school age learning unit knows - the British Isles were the scene for some of the most dangerous fruit-preserve-based immersions in history.

However, you may be asking yourselves what this has to do with Little Frigging and the perverted arts and sciences, apart – that is – from the obvious fruit preserved based perversions that have been the staple of many a British breakfast-time tryst dating back almost beyond the very first days of Breakfast TV itself.


Apart, of course, from the Full English* perversion, many of the breakfast perversions will entail clearing some space on the breakfast table. However, those wishing for the less strenuous continental breakfast perversions are advised to check the integrity, and – most importantly – the temperature of their croissant before inserting it into any available post mistress.

At breakfast-time the ladies in the cake-shop should just be checking their baking ovens. So if you nip around to the cake shop with some alacrity – and some butter, of course – the cake shop manageress’s baps should still be warm when she gets them out for you, ready to be smeared with your butter.


*Including the all-important fried bread and bowler hat, obviously.

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