Wednesday, May 26, 2010

New EU-Wide Tax Proposed


The European Union's commissioner for the internal market has announced proposals for a new EU-wide tax. However, translation difficulties within the EU’s massive bureaucracy mangled the initial announcement, leading people to believe that a new EU bank tax was being proposed.

However, as a spokesman for the commissioner later clarified:

What we are proposing is not a EU-wide bank tax, but a EU-wide Plank tax. For example, for those of you in the UK we believe you should not – in your political system – have to suffer from such utter planks as George Osborne, Harriet Harman, John Bercow and so many others without having the safety net of some sort of compensation for when these planks fuck up, as they will – inevitably – do.

Whilst the UK population – if not necessarily the government – supports the idea of a Plank Tax for politicians, some are concerned that – in a typical EU way – there is the chance of the tax spreading to other areas.

As one tax specialist put it:

Here in the UK we do produce a great many of the EU’s most vacuous celebrities, most of which are thick enough to come under the EU’s standard 2 Short Planks measure used to calculate this tax. So there is a possibility that some of celebrities would move out of the EU altogether - providing their PA can point them at the right airport Departure door, that is – thus depriving the EU of this potential income.

Now, while many of us would like to see all these brain-dead ‘celebrities’ out of the country – and our lives – we should remember the danger that the TV companies and gossip mag producers will probably replace them with something much, much worse.

So, don’t say you weren’t warned.

He went on to point out that with the education system in the UK the way it is after 13 years of the Labour government cocking it up in every way imaginable (and then some), the vast majority of younger working people could find themselves liable to pay this tax too.

Not only that, such sectors as the Computer Retail Industry, Call Centres and other such businesses could find that most of their staff are liable for the Plank Tax as well.

Furthermore, such a Plank Tax could have other wider implications, as the tax specialist reminded us:

Just think what devastation this Plank Tax could cause in UK sport! For example with a punitive Plank Tax applied in football to the typical English player, if the worst came to the worst, we could have a situation where Premier League football teams field almost no indigenous UK players in their line-ups…. Oh.

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