Thursday, May 13, 2010

The Rural Perversion Tournament

Here, hold this badger racquet, while I move slightly widdershins of the lamppost before attaching the 12 reindeer-compatible grommiting points to the underwater ukulele harness.

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It is sometimes hard, but then a lady such as yourself should be well use to that sort of thing by your age, sometimes to get the village green set up for a full-on rural perversion tournament. This is especially true when there is – like today – a nip in the air, which threatens to cool down the cake shops ladies’ baps as soon as they whip them out and expose them to the unseasonable weather. In such a case, as I’m sure you are aware, it is incumbent on the men standing ready to apply a fresh warm coating to each lady’s baps as soon as they are proffered towards the waiting menfolk.

Anyway, onward and upward, as the vicar said to the campanologist he caught admiring his bell tower, let us go and see what is happening in the village hall where the two competing perversion tournament teams are getting ready to mount up for some stiff prodding of each other’s defences.

Perhaps this year we will be able to see another eye-watering display of tactical finesse by last year’s champions – the Strap-on sisters – whose masterful outflanking of the Little Frigging yeomanry enabled them to catch the men unaware, and fully penetrate the men’s position in the rear to bring about an overwhelming victory for the Little Frigging Ladies team.

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